February 4, 2009

I think It's Time Now...

Up until about three weeks ago I had been doing Energy Audits for low-income families on energy assistance (see previous posts). We did our simple tasks and helped out people with tips and services. We also got to know them. Often their living conditions were just enough to get by or their failing health was very apparent. Yet, most people didn't try to hide these parts of their lives. They were open and real with us. It was an offering of trust. So, we often shared our lives with them as well. I can't tell you how often i uttered this phrase:
Well, I just graduated from college in May and now I am actually just waiting to hear back from Americorps while I do this. I hope to spend a year doing some National Service work and then go from there.

Of course, then I would answer follow up questions and so on. I was surprised to hear awfully encouraging words from so many of these people. In such little time with each other, many people were offering very hopeful words regarding my future! One woman even went so far as to say that she "knew" that I would go on to great things! I have to say, this was very helpful in getting me through the long waiting period. Kept me optimistically looking forward.
Very refreshing human connections.


However...
Remember that "about three weeks ago" I mentioned? Go ahead and look. I will wait for you to catch up...

Good? Okay, so about three weeks ago we found out that the funding for those energy audits was not officially guaranteed. We were ordered to stop. So, I have been out of work for a while now. This hasn't helped my patience. So, my days are rather uneventful. I sleep in most days and wake up to very little to do. I help around the house, chop wood, sort my music, and hike or cross country ski depending on the weather. There are often long stretches of time when I don't see another human being who is not a member of my immediate family.
It is all a little surreal.
Also, a little depressing.
So, I have been doing some research and looking into moving out. I think that I will stay in Colorado until I am a little more financially stable. So, maybe Boulder or Durango? They are currently on the list for potential new homes. Hopefully a friend of mine and I will find a place and jobs in either of these places. We shall see.

Bottomline:
I need to move out and move on. I realize that it is perfectly acceptable for a recent college grad to live at home for a time. Especially during these rough economic times. But, I am realizing that I am quite ready to do this. I guess I am wanting to hold myself to my own standards. I didn't finish my senior year at CC in the grandest of styles and ended up letting myself down in many areas. So, now I long to prove to myself that I can make goals and take steps towards them.

That is what this is about. My goals. They may not be clear right now. They will be. It will take time and focus for me to really identify what I wish to shoot for. To find my passions. As I write this, I am sitting in a room that is full of my life. Pictures from all the years of my life. Books from college. High school trophies. Cherished items from childhood (my first teddy bear eyes me from the dresser!). It is wonderful to reminisce, but I also feel trapped. the artifacts of my past form a prison whose walls are tall and thick. They block any view I might have of my future. Even though my future is murky and unknown, I would be able to illuminate it slightly with my goals and ambition. As it is...I struggle to live within my confines and find that elusive hole. Sure, I am surviving and I know that it could be a lot worse. But I am not living. I wish to really live life! To go out there with the people and take on the world. I wish to dream and think big, yet act locally and personally. That is all that we have as humans.
Participating in life.
Engaging one another and refusing to let anyone continue through life without experiencing pure joy and rising to meet challenges. There are days when my mind runs rampant with ideas and amazing, unrefined thoughts. But those days are far too few.

I think it is time now...
No one is going to hand this to me.
I need to make this my own and actually trace my own path.

It is time.

2 comments:

Kim Z.W. said...

Good for you!! I hope you're able to find a place where you can really do something that'll help you feel fulfilled. James and I are thinking about making a trip up to the Grand Canyon shortly after we get to Phoenix so if you' end up in Durango maybe we could meet up. =^)

BetsyLeeB said...

The 1st year (or 5 years) out of college can be a little rough, especially when you see your friends accomplishing what they set out to do and you just seem to be stumbling through life. It can be especially frustrating when there is no apparent reason that something like AmeriCorps should not just work out. Keep the AmeriCorps door open, but dream outside of that too. It is hard to know what God has in store, but know that he will care for you. Run away from home for a little bit so that teddy bear is no longer eyeing you. Warmth is not that far away to go play outside for a few days.

Southwest Conservation Corps is the organization I worked with in Durango before moving up to the Springs. Their crews work in community sites, front country sites, and back country sites. I'm not sure what programs they are running right now, but it is something to think about: www.sccorps.org. (Check out the about us section... I look hot in a helmet.) They are associated with AmeriCorps, but the commitment generally is not as long. You can also google conservation corps or youth corps and come up with options all over the country. Dream big and chase those dreams. Who knows, 5 years from now you might be trying to offer some encouragement to a new college grad;)