December 30, 2008

Just A Ride

Anyone who has lived with me for even a short amount of time will know that my soul depends on music. I have a huge library and crave incorporating music into my life. Most people's moods are reflections of the music they are listening to. My music is a reflection of my mood. If I am laden with sadness - Goerge Winston's Longing, Loving will do nicely. If I am bursting with joy - a little U2's Elevation makes it even better. I use music to help me fully commit to my emotions and moods. Rhythms, melodies, lyrics...I love music and what can be expressed with it!

Music has been extremely important recently. With so much in my life changing, and me not having a great reaction to change (see previous post), music is able to keep me grounded...when I wish. It is comforting and encouraging.

Jem's Just A Ride has been a recent play list visitor of mine. I realized that the lyrics really fit my attitude right now towards the unsureness of my life. Also, these melodic words will go with me into the new year. Perhaps many of us could use these thoughts?

Life, it's ever so strange
It's so full of change
Think that you've worked it out
then BANG
Right out of the blue
Something happens to you
To throw you off course
and then you

Breakdown
Yeah you breakdown
Well don't you breakdown
Listen to me
Because

It's just a ride, it's just a ride
no need to run, no need to hide
It'll take you round and round
Sometimes you're up
sometimes you're down
It's just a ride, it's just a ride
don't be scared
don't hide your eyes
It may feel so real inside
but don't forget it's just a ride

Truth, we don't wanna hear
It's too much to take
Don't like to feel out of control
So we make our plans
Ten times a day
And when they don't go
our way we

Breakdown
Yeah we breakdown
Well don't you breakdown
Listen to me
Because

It's just a ride, it's just a ride
no need to run, no need to hide
It'll take you round and round
Sometimes you're up
sometimes you're down
It's just a ride, it's just a ride
don't be scared
don't hide your eyes
It may feel so real inside
but don't forget it's just a ride

Slowly, oh so very slowly
accept that
there's no getting off
So live it, just gotta go with it
coz this ride's, never gonna stop

Breakdown
Don't you breakdown
No need to breakdown
No need at all
Because

It's just a ride, it's just a ride
no need to run, no need to hide
It'll take you all around
Sometimes you're up
sometimes you're down
It's just a ride, it's just a ride
don't be scared now
dry your eyes
It may feel so real inside
but dont forget enjoy the ride.

It's just a ride, it's just a ride
no need to run, no need to hide
It'll take you all around
Sometimes you're up
sometimes you're down
It's just a ride, it's just a ride
don't be scared now
dry your eyes
It may feel so real inside
but dont forget enjoy the ride.
Too often this has put my emotions into perfect lyrical form. Just when you have your life pinned down and planned...things change! I have lived this first hand and constantly feel its effects. We plan carefully and we think thoroughly, yet we are simply attempting to nail jello to a tree.

As 2008 draws to a close, I am sure that we all had plans that did not pan out. Do not sulk and morn over the deceased blueprint for your life. Realize that life happened how it wanted to happen.

Happy New Year. Here's to 2009!
-Enjoy the Ride-

December 29, 2008

Celebration and Exhaustion in December

I seem to be in a constant and fierce battle with time. Yet, this monumental struggle that often drains me of all energy is hardly noticeable. Of course, time has won again. It seems that not that far ago I was sitting in this very spot imagining the wonderful times that I would have with my two best friends on a much needed vacation. I remember dreaming up the things that we would do and how much fun it would all be. Not to mention the upcoming Holidays that were ever present in my mind.
Not too long ago, I was working and living with the dreams of exciting reunions and relaxing, warm holiday celebrations.

Now...December 29. It has all past by so quickly. The transition from future to past occurred so quickly that present never made my acquaintance. I wish I could say that everything happened just as I envisioned, but nothing ever does. There were wonderful parts of both my trip to Michigan and the Holidays. However, there were also moments that made me regret were I was and made me wish to be somewhere else with all my heart...

Michigan: Gray. The entire time. I am a spoiled child of the state that boasts the most days of sunshine a year. There were good times as well as harsh realities. Bottom line - things change and it is terribly difficult to hold onto the past and expect the continuation of outdated conditions. We must move with the changes and adapt. The trip wasn't the great adventure bursting with joy that I dreamed of, but that is hardly a surprise. I did enjoy getting out a little and feeling that I am still alive.

Holidays: It used to be that I would come home from college to great joy and magic at Christmas time. This year, I am living at home. I had not realized the immense amount of effort it requires to produce a wonderful Holiday experience. I have not the energy for it! In fact, I fear that the true meaning of the Christmas season was lost amongst the business and stress. It was unsettling. Even now I am not sure why I feel this way following Christmas. Cookies, gifts, music, lights, food...it was all there. What seemed to be missing was that loving connection amongst my family. I used to connect with each of them in a very unique and meaningful way. Now, the nagging annoyance of living at home again seems to get in the way. I love my family. Yet, to go from an independent and aspiring college student to a living at home, working part-time young man with no clear future....well, that is a very arduous struggle. It plagues my thoughts daily. Every little Holiday celebration felt forced...or rather, just out of sync.

I suppose that I am just struggling with change. Change in the way I relate to my family. Change in some of my dearest friendships. Change in my perception of the world around me, both seen and unseen. Change in my perception of...myself.


Well, not to end on an unsettling note:
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. This new year's I will be toasting 2008. A year that took me far and did much.
I began 2008 with a funeral. I said goodbye to a true friend and a beautiful spirit. Then I worked hard to finish my degree, ended the most serious relationship I have had thus far, traveled extensively, and latched onto any temporary preoccupation I could to avoid facing the future. I am truly astonished when comparing myself now to myself at this time last year.



I suppose this thought will do for contemplating the occurrences of 2008 and looking towards the potentiality of 2009:
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another. ~Anatole France

December 8, 2008

Gaps in History

Its an interesting phrase: "Gaps in History" What happens during those periods of non-recorded time? My theory is...not much. People lived their lives. I base this theory on the gap in this written record. November 23rd to December 8th - 15 days. And yet, as I think back, things did happen. Wonderful things, mundane things, and even upsetting things. I was content, however, to live them and not write about them.

So, it has been half a month since I updated this blog. Most people apologize to their "readers" and make excuses. Its as if the blog were an obligation that needed to be fulfilled, but could be postponed with sincere sorrow.
Well, you shall get no such apology from me. Nope. So I didn't write. Its not as if this ruined somebody's day. Someone who could not have a pleasurable or productive day without hearing what I had been doing! Where is he? Who is he with? When will I get answers!!!
If anybody does fit this description, well....eh..I am flattered, but we need to talk.
Also....I'm sorry. *damn*

However, I would be amiss if I did not comment on the wonderful Thanksgiving holiday that I had! A glorious day to be thankful - small mountain town with my family and two of my closest friends! We feasted on a glorious meal, had amazing fun, played games, and enjoyed good wine while the snow fell lightly outside. The day after was equally enjoyable, if not more! Rather, the two days cannot be separated in my mind. Four of us (my brother and my two close friends) ventured into the "wilderness" and enjoyed a lovely hike. My favorite section found us hiking along in a gentle snowstorm. Not too cold and not too wet. We were happy and enthralled by the beauty of what we hiked through. Good friends sharing this moment. The snow lightly covering everything around us. Seeing the clouds and snow fill the valleys that lay around us. Hearing the snow land lightly on the crisp fallen oak brush leaves that marked the trail on either side. A moment of peace. A few days filled with laughter, amazing food, and moments that demanded your attention in a very welcoming way.
Ahhhhh.....

Since then....working and carrying on with life. I inspect homes with the goal of energy efficiency. I fail at making cold calls to schedule appointments. I look ahead to Christmas and all that "must" be done. I chop wood, cook, eat, and enjoy my family - despite their busy lives.

December 12th will find me driving from Rye to Canon City, then to Colorado Springs and on up to Boulder. December 13th will find me in Denver and then Chicago. It is high time that I go see one of my best friends. So, a short trip to Michigan will be a much needed break from the small town of Rye. Time with two of my best friends -- I can't wait!

So, things happened. I am still unsure about my future and still often get frustrated with my situation. I long to be doing something on my own and making my own way through life. Yet, I am patient.
Lately music has been immensely helpful in calming my frustrations and adding to my patience. The lyrics and melodies keep me light and hopeful.


Perhaps I will share some of those effects with you?
;-)