Recently it seems that the days are characterized by extremes. Yesterday was an incredible day, full of joy and love from great people. Today was rather crushing and disheartening. They seem to do that. Back and forth. No real middle ground. Maybe this is normal? Maybe everyone has this and you just play the odds, hoping that the good days outnumber the bad ones? I hope not. I don't have the energy to keep doing this. If it is playing the odds, then I am due for a big pay off because I have been losing for so long. I have enormous wealth in rough and troubling days.
Just keep moving I suppose. Moving? Hmm...not really. I think the problem is that I am merely surviving and not living. Not making plans, laying ground work, not making goals and taking aim at them. It is easy to say what I must do. The motivational speeches come in huge numbers from my friends, family, and myself on a good day. Yet...breaking this cycle of bad day building upon bad day is not easy. I still go days without seeing another human being outside my family. Some days I don't leave the house.
I get frustrated by my situation. Then I am frustrated at my frustration. Then I am angry to be so frustrated. Even angrier when my bad mood is unleashed in unintended and unpredictable ways on those that I love.
A vicious cycle.
My thoughts on this subject right now are too lengthy and dark for a blog posting. Often my thoughts get away from me and only worsen the situation. The only solution at that point is to cease the train wreck of thoughts and allow my mind and spirit to recover from the self-assault. As is often the case, I use music to clear my head and kill off the train of self-destructive thoughts.
Today was Some Days Are Better Than Others by U2. Seems to fit my feelings today, at least partially.
Some days are dry, some days are leaky
Some days come clean, other days are sneaky
Some days take less, but most days take more
Some slip through your fingers and onto the floor
Some days you're quick, but most days you're speedy
Some days you use more force than is necessary
Some days just drop in on us
Some days are better than others
Some days it all adds up
And what you got is not enough
Some days are better than others
Some days are slippy, other days sloppy
Some days you can't stand the sight of a puppy
Your skin is white but you think you're a brother
Some days are better than others
Some days you wake up with her complaining
Some sunny days you wish it was raining
Some days are sulky, some days have a grin
And some days have bouncers and won't let you in
Some days you hear a voice
Taking you to another place
Some days are better than others
Some days are honest, some days are not
Some days you're thankful for what you've got
Some days you wake up in the army
And some days it's the enemy
Some days are work, most days you're lazy
Some days you feel like a bit of a baby
Lookin' for Jesus and His mother
Some days are better than others
Some days you feel ahead
You're making sense of what she said
Some days are better than others
Some days you hear a voice
Taking you to another place
Today is one more mark in the "bad days" column.
I close my eyes. Take a deep breath. I am playing the odds and hoping to win soon.
Wish me luck.
Valentine's Day 2009-
Ugh...
That is my usual response to this holiday. I am not quite sure why. V-Day is one of the few holidays that has a very amazing and necessary value at its center -- Love. Yet, I guess the holiday's meaning has changed for me over the years.
When I was young, it was all about the parties that we had in class and the Valentine Boxes. Remember that? You would grab a shoe box and cover it with paper, color, and hearts - all for the sole purpose of collecting those special notes. Of course with an art teacher as a father, my boxes were always quite elaborate. My favorite was the dinosaur! Big tall and narrow box that we added short feet to, a long neck with a mouth and all, and covered in scales that were all shades of green! It was great!
As I got older, V-Day was about getting flowers, balloons, or candy brought into one of your classes and triumphantly placed upon your desk. Tokens of love, sure. Really they were unmistakable symbols that you were special and had merited the recognition via candy or flower. It put everyone on notice - sort of status symbols.Then, eventually it was all about having a boyfriend/girlfriend with which to spend the special day. You were encouraged to shower gifts on your special someone and spend plenty of time with them.
To date I have only had two V-Days in my life where I was dating someone and was able to spend that special day with them. And, to be honest, it isn't all that amazing. I suppose I had high expectations both times. Yet, I am sure that I will someday have a splendid V-Day with someone very special! Someday...down the road.
Yes, the day's meaning has changed over the years for me. However, I believe the cause of my current "ugh" reaction has more to do with society's perception of V-Day. This holiday has been so overly commercialized and marketed towards couples. So much so that you really can't win either way. If you are in a relationship, then there is pressure to make the day special and really do all that you can. And if you're not, then it is just an annoying reminder of your lonely situation. So, I have spent two V-Days with someone and the other 20 on my own (yes, i realize that I am counting all the ones as a child. my blog, my rules.). I guess I have become jaded in a way. I just see the day as a very blatant "Hey, you're single!" yelled in my face by the calendar.
Yet, it shouldn't! If the focus of the day were less on the showering of gifts and acknowledgment of being in a romantic relationship, then we could recognize the true value at the center. L-O-V-E
That is the important thing. I know it sounds sappy, but love is missing in far too much of society. So, I say re-center love on this V-Day and recognize that it is a day to appreciate all those who are important in your life -- not just that one who got you the really big heart full of chocolates.
Although, if anyone gets me one of those...I will love you more.
Now to commemorate this day of celebration of love, I give you my top three love songs. In my opinion, these are some of the greatest love songs. I will definitely be listening to these for years! (song names are links)
- Everything by Michael Buble
- Change The World by Eric Clapton
- Out Of My League by Stephen Speaks
Love ya! :-)
Up until about three weeks ago I had been doing Energy Audits for low-income families on energy assistance (see previous posts). We did our simple tasks and helped out people with tips and services. We also got to know them. Often their living conditions were just enough to get by or their failing health was very apparent. Yet, most people didn't try to hide these parts of their lives. They were open and real with us. It was an offering of trust. So, we often shared our lives with them as well. I can't tell you how often i uttered this phrase:
Well, I just graduated from college in May and now I am actually just waiting to hear back from Americorps while I do this. I hope to spend a year doing some National Service work and then go from there.
Of course, then I would answer follow up questions and so on. I was surprised to hear awfully encouraging words from so many of these people. In such little time with each other, many people were offering very hopeful words regarding my future! One woman even went so far as to say that she "knew" that I would go on to great things! I have to say, this was very helpful in getting me through the long waiting period. Kept me optimistically looking forward.
Very refreshing human connections.
However...
Remember that "about three weeks ago" I mentioned? Go ahead and look. I will wait for you to catch up...
Good? Okay, so about three weeks ago we found out that the funding for those energy audits was not officially guaranteed. We were ordered to stop. So, I have been out of work for a while now. This hasn't helped my patience. So, my days are rather uneventful. I sleep in most days and wake up to very little to do. I help around the house, chop wood, sort my music, and hike or cross country ski depending on the weather. There are often long stretches of time when I don't see another human being who is not a member of my immediate family.
It is all a little surreal.
Also, a little depressing.
So, I have been doing some research and looking into moving out. I think that I will stay in Colorado until I am a little more financially stable. So, maybe Boulder or Durango? They are currently on the list for potential new homes. Hopefully a friend of mine and I will find a place and jobs in either of these places. We shall see.
Bottomline:
I need to move out and move on. I realize that it is perfectly acceptable for a recent college grad to live at home for a time. Especially during these rough economic times. But, I am realizing that I am quite ready to do this. I guess I am wanting to hold myself to my own standards. I didn't finish my senior year at CC in the grandest of styles and ended up letting myself down in many areas. So, now I long to prove to myself that I can make goals and take steps towards them.
That is what this is about. My goals. They may not be clear right now. They will be. It will take time and focus for me to really identify what I wish to shoot for. To find my passions. As I write this, I am sitting in a room that is full of my life. Pictures from all the years of my life. Books from college. High school trophies. Cherished items from childhood (my first teddy bear eyes me from the dresser!). It is wonderful to reminisce, but I also feel trapped. the artifacts of my past form a prison whose walls are tall and thick. They block any view I might have of my future. Even though my future is murky and unknown, I would be able to illuminate it slightly with my goals and ambition. As it is...I struggle to live within my confines and find that elusive hole. Sure, I am surviving and I know that it could be a lot worse. But I am not living. I wish to really live life! To go out there with the people and take on the world. I wish to dream and think big, yet act locally and personally. That is all that we have as humans.
Participating in life.
Engaging one another and refusing to let anyone continue through life without experiencing pure joy and rising to meet challenges. There are days when my mind runs rampant with ideas and amazing, unrefined thoughts. But those days are far too few.
I think it is time now...
No one is going to hand this to me.
I need to make this my own and actually trace my own path.
It is time.
