Just A Ride

Anyone who has lived with me for even a short amount of time will know that my soul depends on music. I have a huge library and crave incorporating music into my life. Most people's moods are reflections of the music they are listening to. My music is a reflection of my mood. If I am laden with sadness - Goerge Winston's Longing, Loving will do nicely. If I am bursting with joy - a little U2's Elevation makes it even better. I use music to help me fully commit to my emotions and moods. Rhythms, melodies, lyrics...I love music and what can be expressed with it!

Music has been extremely important recently. With so much in my life changing, and me not having a great reaction to change (see previous post), music is able to keep me grounded...when I wish. It is comforting and encouraging.

Jem's Just A Ride has been a recent play list visitor of mine. I realized that the lyrics really fit my attitude right now towards the unsureness of my life. Also, these melodic words will go with me into the new year. Perhaps many of us could use these thoughts?

Life, it's ever so strange
It's so full of change
Think that you've worked it out
then BANG
Right out of the blue
Something happens to you
To throw you off course
and then you

Breakdown
Yeah you breakdown
Well don't you breakdown
Listen to me
Because

It's just a ride, it's just a ride
no need to run, no need to hide
It'll take you round and round
Sometimes you're up
sometimes you're down
It's just a ride, it's just a ride
don't be scared
don't hide your eyes
It may feel so real inside
but don't forget it's just a ride

Truth, we don't wanna hear
It's too much to take
Don't like to feel out of control
So we make our plans
Ten times a day
And when they don't go
our way we

Breakdown
Yeah we breakdown
Well don't you breakdown
Listen to me
Because

It's just a ride, it's just a ride
no need to run, no need to hide
It'll take you round and round
Sometimes you're up
sometimes you're down
It's just a ride, it's just a ride
don't be scared
don't hide your eyes
It may feel so real inside
but don't forget it's just a ride

Slowly, oh so very slowly
accept that
there's no getting off
So live it, just gotta go with it
coz this ride's, never gonna stop

Breakdown
Don't you breakdown
No need to breakdown
No need at all
Because

It's just a ride, it's just a ride
no need to run, no need to hide
It'll take you all around
Sometimes you're up
sometimes you're down
It's just a ride, it's just a ride
don't be scared now
dry your eyes
It may feel so real inside
but dont forget enjoy the ride.

It's just a ride, it's just a ride
no need to run, no need to hide
It'll take you all around
Sometimes you're up
sometimes you're down
It's just a ride, it's just a ride
don't be scared now
dry your eyes
It may feel so real inside
but dont forget enjoy the ride.

Too often this has put my emotions into perfect lyrical form. Just when you have your life pinned down and planned...things change! I have lived this first hand and constantly feel its effects. We plan carefully and we think thoroughly, yet we are simply attempting to nail jello to a tree.

As 2008 draws to a close, I am sure that we all had plans that did not pan out. Do not sulk and morn over the deceased blueprint for your life. Realize that life happened how it wanted to happen.

Happy New Year. Here's to 2009!
-Enjoy the Ride-

Celebration and Exhaustion in December

I seem to be in a constant and fierce battle with time. Yet, this monumental struggle that often drains me of all energy is hardly noticeable. Of course, time has won again. It seems that not that far ago I was sitting in this very spot imagining the wonderful times that I would have with my two best friends on a much needed vacation. I remember dreaming up the things that we would do and how much fun it would all be. Not to mention the upcoming Holidays that were ever present in my mind.
Not too long ago, I was working and living with the dreams of exciting reunions and relaxing, warm holiday celebrations.

Now...December 29. It has all past by so quickly. The transition from future to past occurred so quickly that present never made my acquaintance. I wish I could say that everything happened just as I envisioned, but nothing ever does. There were wonderful parts of both my trip to Michigan and the Holidays. However, there were also moments that made me regret were I was and made me wish to be somewhere else with all my heart...

Michigan: Gray. The entire time. I am a spoiled child of the state that boasts the most days of sunshine a year. There were good times as well as harsh realities. Bottom line - things change and it is terribly difficult to hold onto the past and expect the continuation of outdated conditions. We must move with the changes and adapt. The trip wasn't the great adventure bursting with joy that I dreamed of, but that is hardly a surprise. I did enjoy getting out a little and feeling that I am still alive.

Holidays: It used to be that I would come home from college to great joy and magic at Christmas time. This year, I am living at home. I had not realized the immense amount of effort it requires to produce a wonderful Holiday experience. I have not the energy for it! In fact, I fear that the true meaning of the Christmas season was lost amongst the business and stress. It was unsettling. Even now I am not sure why I feel this way following Christmas. Cookies, gifts, music, lights, food...it was all there. What seemed to be missing was that loving connection amongst my family. I used to connect with each of them in a very unique and meaningful way. Now, the nagging annoyance of living at home again seems to get in the way. I love my family. Yet, to go from an independent and aspiring college student to a living at home, working part-time young man with no clear future....well, that is a very arduous struggle. It plagues my thoughts daily. Every little Holiday celebration felt forced...or rather, just out of sync.

I suppose that I am just struggling with change. Change in the way I relate to my family. Change in some of my dearest friendships. Change in my perception of the world around me, both seen and unseen. Change in my perception of...myself.


Well, not to end on an unsettling note:
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. This new year's I will be toasting 2008. A year that took me far and did much.
I began 2008 with a funeral. I said goodbye to a true friend and a beautiful spirit. Then I worked hard to finish my degree, ended the most serious relationship I have had thus far, traveled extensively, and latched onto any temporary preoccupation I could to avoid facing the future. I am truly astonished when comparing myself now to myself at this time last year.



I suppose this thought will do for contemplating the occurrences of 2008 and looking towards the potentiality of 2009:

All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another. ~Anatole France

Gaps in History

Its an interesting phrase: "Gaps in History" What happens during those periods of non-recorded time? My theory is...not much. People lived their lives. I base this theory on the gap in this written record. November 23rd to December 8th - 15 days. And yet, as I think back, things did happen. Wonderful things, mundane things, and even upsetting things. I was content, however, to live them and not write about them.

So, it has been half a month since I updated this blog. Most people apologize to their "readers" and make excuses. Its as if the blog were an obligation that needed to be fulfilled, but could be postponed with sincere sorrow.
Well, you shall get no such apology from me. Nope. So I didn't write. Its not as if this ruined somebody's day. Someone who could not have a pleasurable or productive day without hearing what I had been doing! Where is he? Who is he with? When will I get answers!!!
If anybody does fit this description, well....eh..I am flattered, but we need to talk.
Also....I'm sorry. *damn*

However, I would be amiss if I did not comment on the wonderful Thanksgiving holiday that I had! A glorious day to be thankful - small mountain town with my family and two of my closest friends! We feasted on a glorious meal, had amazing fun, played games, and enjoyed good wine while the snow fell lightly outside. The day after was equally enjoyable, if not more! Rather, the two days cannot be separated in my mind. Four of us (my brother and my two close friends) ventured into the "wilderness" and enjoyed a lovely hike. My favorite section found us hiking along in a gentle snowstorm. Not too cold and not too wet. We were happy and enthralled by the beauty of what we hiked through. Good friends sharing this moment. The snow lightly covering everything around us. Seeing the clouds and snow fill the valleys that lay around us. Hearing the snow land lightly on the crisp fallen oak brush leaves that marked the trail on either side. A moment of peace. A few days filled with laughter, amazing food, and moments that demanded your attention in a very welcoming way.
Ahhhhh.....

Since then....working and carrying on with life. I inspect homes with the goal of energy efficiency. I fail at making cold calls to schedule appointments. I look ahead to Christmas and all that "must" be done. I chop wood, cook, eat, and enjoy my family - despite their busy lives.

December 12th will find me driving from Rye to Canon City, then to Colorado Springs and on up to Boulder. December 13th will find me in Denver and then Chicago. It is high time that I go see one of my best friends. So, a short trip to Michigan will be a much needed break from the small town of Rye. Time with two of my best friends -- I can't wait!

So, things happened. I am still unsure about my future and still often get frustrated with my situation. I long to be doing something on my own and making my own way through life. Yet, I am patient.
Lately music has been immensely helpful in calming my frustrations and adding to my patience. The lyrics and melodies keep me light and hopeful.


Perhaps I will share some of those effects with you?
;-)

Current Preoccupations...

You know how TV shows always end their season with a big cliff hanger? Someone dies, someone is pregnant, something big is revealed and.....you are left to get all the answers until the next season!! AHHH! I hate that!
Yet, that is exactly what I did with my last post. I explained in detail what I had planned to do after college, but completely left you wondering: "Wait, what is Jeremiah doing now?"
Fair question. Here it tis...

Life after CC

Immediately after graduation, I took about two weeks off. Most of my friends were still around for about a week or two. I slacked off, celebrated being free from the bonds of the grading system, and also celebrated a couple weddings. Very fun! Then, beginning in June, I went to work...at CC! I actually spent the summer working at CC (Help Desk) and at Josh n' John's Ice Cream. It was actually quite fun, but often tiring. Some days found me at the Help Desk 8am-5pm and then at Josh n' John's 6pm-1am!! Oh boy! I broke up this workaholic schedule with good times with friends who were around. Tuesday bowling, BBQs, movies, hiking, and road trips all became the norm. It was a good summer. A little surreal, but good. I especially loved the road trip that I took at the beginning of August. Went and checked out Vancouver, BC, with a really good friend! Such a fun trip! I could most definitely live in Vancouver! Found an amazing pie shop, a pub with my name (Jeremiah's Pub!), a 55-acre garden, some gorgeous mountains and forests, and a great beach to enjoy sunsets and bottles of wine! Awww...

Then, shortly after returning from Vancouver, I moved out of my C. Springs apartment and moved home. My parents live in a small mountain town called Rye. We're talking about 200 people in the actual town. Oh, and I definitely did not grow up here! So, I don't know anybody. Ugh.

However, it is good to be around my family again. I realized that I spent every summer after starting at CC working in C. Springs. I hadn't been home for more than 3 weeks (first Christmas break) since the summer after my high school graduation! Wow! So, the plan was to live and help out at home while I waited to hear from Americorps. Honestly, my family really appreciated having me around. My father runs his own home inspection business and will often have around 5 inspections a week. My brother is a high school senior and trying to get into CC. He is busier than you can believe! My mother, however, is running her own accounting business AND going back to school to finish up her degree! Jeez! So...there were things I could do. It has been nice to be up in the mountains. Lots of hiking and biking. Plus, all the wood chopping and work on our land makes me feel manly!
So, not too bad. Hang out. Keep busy until Americorps calls for me.

Yeah....well, you read the last post. You didn't? Really!? Well, check it out -- it is a great read. To sum it up, however, I am still waiting for Americorps and could be waiting until February!
Oh dear. Things up in this small, isolated town don't appear that fun anymore. I need something to occupy my time and put a little coin in my pockets! Solution?

Home Energy Audits -- Federal Weatherization Program

So, my father was contacted by this woman (Teri) who runs her own "company" that works with the Federal Weatherization Program and the Governor's Energy Office. Basically, it is a free service for qualifying home owners. A team (my father and myself) come into your home, make some inspections, and then give you tips to save energy and money. We may install CFL bulbs, programmable thermostats, low-flow shower heads, smoke alarm/CO detector, and clotheslines. Also, we inspect the home's water heater, furnace, refrigerator, and quantity of insulation. There is even a program above us that may replace energy wasting fridges and furnaces and install better insulation --- All Free! Very Cool! We also provide some educational materials to help people live smarter and more efficiently. All in the interest of lowering the amount of resources that we use.
We will be starting with families who are on some form of utility assistance and then move from there. I get paid to do this and it only takes about an hour per house. Very good deal!

So, this keeps me busy and helps me save up to replace my failing car....poor thing. She is on her last legs I fear... I would love to find a used hybrid of some sort. Oh well, keep dreaming! Speaking of dreaming...I am also helping to draw up the plans for the passive-solar house that my father wishes to build. Should be a really fun and energy-saving home! Concrete block construction, passive solar heating, wood burning stove back-up, and possibly some solar panels or wind turbines in the future. Yay! I can't wait to break ground! There is even talk of a wine cellar in the plans! ooohh...


So, there you have it. I am living at home, helping out around the house, doing home-energy audits, and helping to plan "The House". Not too bad! I still crave human interaction every-now-and-then and am longing to get out in the world, but I am dealing well! Thanks to a couple friends that allow me to impose on them and their busy lives, I make sure to have some fun and get a healthy dose of culture.

So, that is where i am.
Now, where could I go?

Best Laid Plans....

At this point I must fulfill my promise to explain what happened to those exciting plans that I had laid out for after CC. Thus far, I have shared ideas and cracked some jokes. However, if you are a loyal reader, then you deserve to understand and know me better. Really, I have been trying to avoid thinking about those plans. It is not pleasant to dwell on plans that, despite my best efforts, did not turn out as splendidly as I had hoped.

So...what did this college grad have planned for life? Let's go back to the start-->

April 2008 -- Senior Year of College

My Senior year was just like anyone's...well, at least several people I knew. I was doing great in my classes, enjoying my friends, loving life, and attempting to plan out what would happen after I graduated. However, I was more interested in massive road trips, wine tasting parties, and late-night talks over tea than in choosing a career path or even my next step. It was near the end of the year (April to be exact) that I was really forced to face the fact that I had no plans, no ideas, and no real guiding passion. I think between my parents nudging me and all my peers making plans, I started to get nervous. April was a rough month, for many reasons. Basically, I found myself constantly nervous and dreading the question that everyone I ran into was destined to ask: "So, what are you doing after college?" I could just feel the moment arriving. It did not sneak up on me. No, it attacked from the front just dripping with arrogance. It was almost as if I could see the words crawling off of my inquisitive friend's lips and shooting towards me like arrows. Unfortunately, I had no sword of "Career Path" or shield of "Defined Goals" to fend them off. It was rough.

Then, one snowy day in April found me having coffee with a good friend. She was telling me all about a project that she was working on for next year: A rather large service trip to aid impoverished farmers in India. Yes, this was impressive. Yet, what was more impressive was her passion. When she spoke about this project, her views on society, and just in general about her desire to serve others, there was so much passion. She knew exactly where she stood and what she held as crucial beliefs and goals. Frankly, it was hard not to be inspired.
Now, I did not just decide to take on her goals as my own. Rather, our short discussion was able to re-kindle some related passions that I had once held. I realized that I did not want to just jump into a career or more school. I had spent most of my life making sure to care for myself first. I had to do something that gave back. So, I looked into service opportunities through Americorps.

Now, there is one friend who also deserves some credit for helping me look into Americorps. Laura had been bugging me for quite some time to look into what was available. I really should have listened to her earlier! (Sorry! And thank you!) But, I researched and found a program that I liked. Then, in less than a month's time, I applied. Crazy fast!

NCCC - National Civilian Community Corps

The NCCC is a program that places 12 young adults (18-24) on a team, trains them in one of several US cities, and then deploys them around the US to complete service projects. NCCC teams must be requested by programs/groups and have project proposals. NCCC teams can perform all kinds of service activities: education, environmental work, community planning, physical labor, etc. I was told in my interview that 60% of current NCCC team's work is in the gulf area doing hurricane cleanup. They house, feed, insure, and pay (very small stipend!) the team members. It is a program where I would be doing a solid year of service, often working very long days. Perfect!

So I applied by the end of May. Here is where my crazy adventure with NCCC begins! I had lined up two jobs for the summer and still had a great apartment--no problems. Step one was figuring out the crazy online application. I have never seen an explanation of qualifications limited to 20 characters! Not fun, but I figured it out. Then I received an email message that thanked me for my application (yay!) and instructed me to call a number to schedule an interview. Step two. I called. Our conversation went something like....

ME: Hi, My name is Jeremiah and I applied for the Fall Cycle of the NCCC. I was calling to schedule my interview.
THEM: Oh, did you receive a packet in the mail?
ME: No, I received an email after I applied that instructed me to call.
THEM: Really? Huh! Well, yeah...you need to wait for a packet to come in the mail.
ME: Uh, are you sure?
THEM: Yeah, just wait for the packet.
ME: Okay. Um, thanks. Bye.

Encouraging?! Well, I felt that maybe (just maybe!) that person I talked to was not well-informed. I emailed the support for the Americorps application process. They confirmed that I did need to wait for a packet and that the email I received was an automated error. Well, okay! Shortly there after, the packet arrived, I scheduled my interview, and then had my phone interview. Now, the interview went surprisingly well! I connected really well with the interviewer and felt great afterwards! Yay Progress! Now just a little waiting...

It wasn't till the end of the summer that I received my acceptance letter. It had been mailed to my parents house (an hour drive away) and had been delayed. So, My parents received it on a Thursday and got a hold of me on Friday morning. The letter named me as an alternate for the fall cycle and had several forms that needed to be completed and returned by Monday...to Washington DC! So, I skipped work, raced to get the forms, raced back to fill out medical history forms and get fingerprinted, and then got them to FedEx just in time! What a hassle!

I was excited to be accepted, but just a little discouraged by the disorganization so far and by my alternate status. Being an alternate meant that if someone dropped out, I was in. However, they did not keep me posted and I just had to wait. I called them several times, but it was always "Keep waiting". The Fall Cycle of NCCC started Oct. 6th. Now you are probably making the connection between today's date and the fact that I am not writing about my travels with NCCC. Yep, no one dropped and (no surprise) I was not contacted. So I called again and finally (after several calls and hours on hold) got put in touch with the Selection and Placement Coordinator for NCCC. Yes! Just who I need!

She was very helpful, understood my situation, and apologized that I had apparently been "skipped over". She offered me a position with the Winter Cycle of NCCC...an alternate position. Well, I took it and now must wait until somebody potentially drops by February 2009. Yes, I am still waiting. After all the hoops that I jumped through, I only have two meager letters of acceptance to show for it. And...oh, what's this?! Both letters signed by the Selection and Placement Coordinators for NCCC. However, one signed by a Stuart and the other by a Tiffany! Things become clearer. Only mere months apart and it seems that this position has been in transition.

Whatever the cause for the disorganization, I am still waiting. I am hopeful that things will go well, but I may not hear anything until February 2009. It has been difficult to maintain my enthusiasm and determination for devoting a year of my life to this national service program. I am still eager to join a team and do what I can, but every day is a little battle to remain motivated. If nothing else, I have been provided with a meager shield for when those penetrating, questioning words are fired at me. I hear "So, what you doing now?" and I can respond by guarding myself with a shield, unsure as it may be, of dedication to a national service program.


So, bring on the fire-fight of inquisitive words. My shield of meager plans is at the ready. However, be warned that I am even now equipping myself with greater tools of future plans, lofty goals, and bright dreams.
Have at me.....

Guy Fawkes Day

Happy Guy Fawkes Day! Oh, what's that? You don't know what that is? Really?! You should educate yourself. Dive into a book and read about it. Or if you prefer to broaden your horizons in a more entertaining manner, try watching V for Vendetta. Lovely film!

For those of you who have seen the film or are at least familiar with Guy Fawkes, here is the poem that recalls that November the 5th in 1605.

Remember, remember the Fifth of November
The Gunpowder Treason and Plot.
I know of no reason why the Gunpowder Treason
Should ever be forgot.

Guy Fawkes, Guy Fawkes, t'was his intent

To blow up the King and Parliament.

Three-score barrels of powder below

To prove old England’s overthrow;

By God’s providence he was catch’d

With a dark lantern and burning match.

Holloa boys, holloa boys, let the bells ring.

Holloa boys, holloa boys, God save the King!

Lovely sentiment, is it not? If you do your research, you will find an even more touching sentiment! After being captured, the conspirators in the Gunpowder Treason were hanged, drawn, and quartered. Uh...I will leave that to you to look up. It is not pretty!

Well, Guy Fawkes Night is celebrated to remember that night when the plot to kill King James I and blow up the Houses of Parliament was foiled. This is quite a different perspective than what we get of ol' Guy in V for Vendetta.

And now, mostly because I LOVE that film, my favorite speech of the title character's:

Evey: Who are you?
V : Who? Who is but the form following the function of what and what I am is a man in a mask.
Evey: Well I can see that.
V : Of course you can, I’m not questioning your powers of observation, I’m merely remarking upon the paradox of asking a masked man who he is.
Evey: Oh, right.
V : But on this most auspicious of nights, permit me then, in lieu of the more commonplace soubriquet, to suggest the character of this dramatis persona.
Voila! In view a humble vaudevillian veteran, cast vicariously as both victim and villain by the vicissitudes of fate. This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is a vestige of the “vox populi” now vacant, vanished. However, this valorous visitation of a bygone vexation stands vivified, and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin, van guarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition.
The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta, held as a votive not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous.
Verily this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose, so let me simply add that it’s my very good honour to meet you and you may call me V.
Evey: Are you like a crazy person?
V : I’m quite sure they will say so.

Oh, that makes me smile! You should really see this film! Another of V's quotes:

People should not be afraid of their governments. Governments should be afraid of their people.

This sticks in my mind pretty strongly. The people have the power in our democracy. We entrust our elected government with making decisions, maintaining order, and keeping the nation safe. Yet ultimately we have a collective say in our government. I am proud to say that I spoke up this election year and I truly believe that America spoke up as well. We would not tolerate a government that continued to take us down the wrong path. America spoke up and demanded that the government answer!

The film proposes many interesting ideas and I have often had lengthy discussions over it. But let us not cast aside its other value: some tantalizing and exciting action sequences! Quite fun!

Some shots from Halloween 2006. Viva la revolution!

A New United States

The lengthy and tiresome race for the White House is finally over. Barack Obama is the new President Elect. Wow! I must say that I am exhausted and worn out myself. I can hardly imagine how Obama, Biden, and their families are doing.

I am proud to say that I supported his candidacy and even volunteered for his campaign. I voted early nearly two weeks ago. So, I spent election day knocking on doors and reminding people to get to the polls. After contributing time, money, and my vote, I do feel that I was a part of this campaign. I feel a true connection to this process.

I am relieved that the process is complete and that everything has become clear. Now, I will admit that I experienced two feelings the minute that NBC News declared the winner: proud celebration and a fearful unsureness. The latter sprung up in me as I thought about all the challenges that Obama will have to face. I am nervous about where the USA stands in the global society. Our problems seem far too numerous, both abroad and at home. Can this man really bring together the great minds of our nation and pull us out of our troublesome state? It is hard to be sure of the future. I had supported Obama from very early on, but I had resolved to maintain a level head and avoid falling for Obama's celebrity hype. He had to prove himself to me...which he did. However, I still saw those challenges and wondered.


Then he gave his acceptance speech.....

Obama said exactly what I needed to hear. I still see those challenges. They are ever looming over our nation. Yet, my reaction has changed. I am no longer fearful...I have confidence. Where once things were extremely unsure, I see opportunity. We must take a good look at where our nation stands and what we must change. Then we, the American people, must take it on. This is our nation and our responsibility. President Obama will make huge steps, but he is counting on the joint efforts of a united nation to back him up.

That was perhaps my favorite sentiment: We are the United States. For too long now, this nation has felt divided. We have let our differences of opinion drive us apart. Instead of encouraging dialogue and understanding, we have bred hate and division. The American spirit must be rekindled within all of us. We must realize that our diversity and disagreements are our greatest assets. We could accomplish so much by working together and realizing our commonalities. I loved this part of his speech. The nation has decided and now the nation must step up as a collective whole. We may have bickered during the campaign, but now we must move on. We must put aside our affiliations and other dividing qualifications. Come together. Many as one.

I listened to Obama's words and ran these thoughts through my mind. As I tried to focus them all, I noticed how intensely my parents watched. My father said, "I don't think the boys get how big this is as much as we do." This comment was made even clearer by Obama's story of an American voter who had lived for over 100 years. He traced the timeline of her life and what she witnessed. It was truly incredible to picture all that had occurred and changed.

Then he laid out a challenge. What change and advancements will appear in the the next 100 years.


We must connect with each other and unite behind our country. It will be difficult, but these are the challenges that the American spirit was created to overcome. I truly believe that our nation can not only re-stabilize itself, but also advance and grow.


Here's to the next four years...let's see what we can accomplish.

Meager Beginnings...

Despite my best efforts of procrastination, I have finally entered this online world of scribes to offer up my own views and experiences.

First, addressing the title: Tracing A Unique Path Within Ambiguous Chaos

This may sound quite negative at first. I mean, ambiguous chaos? Chaos alone is frightening, but a chaos that is ambiguous?! Oh dear! That is just what we need: chaos that cannot be positively identified as chaos! However, allow me to offer an alternate perspective. I say ambiguous chaos because when I evaluate the world around me I never quite arrive at a clear verdict. There are moments (for all of us i would argue) when the world seems to be just too much to handle. We get lost in the chaotic mass of events and people. We see the problems and see that they outweigh any effort that we could put forth. Sometimes, we all just feel...hopeless. However, there are also times when beauty and inspiration outweigh all that poses as chaos. We see compassion, miracles, kindness, order, and occasionally experience a fleeting moment of peace. These encounters keep me guessing! Hence...ambiguous chaos!
Also, you will note that I plan on tracing that path rather than finding or frantically searching for it. I firmly believe that we all are tracing our own unique paths all the time. We glide fairly gracefully through this unknown cloud of potential chaos. No, we cannot see where we are headed -- only what we have already traced. This is why we long to hold onto memories and relive what we have already traced. It is safe....we know that part of our path. Fortunately (or unfortunately?) there is no reverse in life. So, we push on. Over, around, and through whatever lies in our path.
Thrilling roller coaster ride? Terrifying uncontrolled flight through time? Mundane coasting through uninteresting territory?
Make what you will of it.

Second, the purpose: Why blog?
Short answer: Don't have a good reason. Mostly for my own benefit, I suppose.
I had planned to begin writing a blog to keep my loved ones posted on whatever my next big adventure was to be! But, again-->ambiguous chaos! Most of my plans fell through and I have settled down into a rather mundane, yet peaceful situation. (More on where I am and what happened to those exciting plans to come! Stay tuned!)
So, I decided that I would document my current, rather large undertaking: life.
My own personal dealings with grief, my heroic pursuit of happiness, my noble attempts to expand my mind, and every other event that I can play up with some fancy words!
This will be my outlet for self expression. I love to write. Assembling words in some order for the intended purpose of capturing everything that is running through my imagination and to try to document my perception of the world around.

However, this is quite enough for a first entry. I may have to adjust the title of this post if I keep writing!


Today, November 4th, 2008, is a great day to start something new. Election day. On this day, I share something in common with the entire nation: A strong feeling of unsureness and an eagerness to glimpse what the future holds.


Here we go...