Just keep moving I suppose. Moving? Hmm...not really. I think the problem is that I am merely surviving and not living. Not making plans, laying ground work, not making goals and taking aim at them. It is easy to say what I must do. The motivational speeches come in huge numbers from my friends, family, and myself on a good day. Yet...breaking this cycle of bad day building upon bad day is not easy. I still go days without seeing another human being outside my family. Some days I don't leave the house.
I get frustrated by my situation. Then I am frustrated at my frustration. Then I am angry to be so frustrated. Even angrier when my bad mood is unleashed in unintended and unpredictable ways on those that I love.
A vicious cycle.
My thoughts on this subject right now are too lengthy and dark for a blog posting. Often my thoughts get away from me and only worsen the situation. The only solution at that point is to cease the train wreck of thoughts and allow my mind and spirit to recover from the self-assault. As is often the case, I use music to clear my head and kill off the train of self-destructive thoughts.
Today was Some Days Are Better Than Others by U2. Seems to fit my feelings today, at least partially.
Some days are dry, some days are leaky
Some days come clean, other days are sneaky
Some days take less, but most days take more
Some slip through your fingers and onto the floor
Some days you're quick, but most days you're speedy
Some days you use more force than is necessary
Some days just drop in on us
Some days are better than others
Some days it all adds up
And what you got is not enough
Some days are better than others
Some days are slippy, other days sloppy
Some days you can't stand the sight of a puppy
Your skin is white but you think you're a brother
Some days are better than others
Some days you wake up with her complaining
Some sunny days you wish it was raining
Some days are sulky, some days have a grin
And some days have bouncers and won't let you in
Some days you hear a voice
Taking you to another place
Some days are better than others
Some days are honest, some days are not
Some days you're thankful for what you've got
Some days you wake up in the army
And some days it's the enemy
Some days are work, most days you're lazy
Some days you feel like a bit of a baby
Lookin' for Jesus and His mother
Some days are better than others
Some days you feel ahead
You're making sense of what she said
Some days are better than others
Some days you hear a voice
Taking you to another place
Today is one more mark in the "bad days" column.
I close my eyes. Take a deep breath. I am playing the odds and hoping to win soon.
Wish me luck.
1 comment:
My heart aches for you, J. I can truly say I know what it is like to be caught in the pit of seemingly hopeless, purposeless, and defeat-less battles. Unfortunately it is the curse we live under due to our fallen humanity and we can only find purpose and meaning from it through keeping (or re-establishing if it's been lost) positivity, perspective, and (unfortunately) perseverance. Each day is a battle and finding strength through our values can only sometimes be what keeps us going...
You're on my heart, bud.
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