Celebration and Exhaustion in December

I seem to be in a constant and fierce battle with time. Yet, this monumental struggle that often drains me of all energy is hardly noticeable. Of course, time has won again. It seems that not that far ago I was sitting in this very spot imagining the wonderful times that I would have with my two best friends on a much needed vacation. I remember dreaming up the things that we would do and how much fun it would all be. Not to mention the upcoming Holidays that were ever present in my mind.
Not too long ago, I was working and living with the dreams of exciting reunions and relaxing, warm holiday celebrations.

Now...December 29. It has all past by so quickly. The transition from future to past occurred so quickly that present never made my acquaintance. I wish I could say that everything happened just as I envisioned, but nothing ever does. There were wonderful parts of both my trip to Michigan and the Holidays. However, there were also moments that made me regret were I was and made me wish to be somewhere else with all my heart...

Michigan: Gray. The entire time. I am a spoiled child of the state that boasts the most days of sunshine a year. There were good times as well as harsh realities. Bottom line - things change and it is terribly difficult to hold onto the past and expect the continuation of outdated conditions. We must move with the changes and adapt. The trip wasn't the great adventure bursting with joy that I dreamed of, but that is hardly a surprise. I did enjoy getting out a little and feeling that I am still alive.

Holidays: It used to be that I would come home from college to great joy and magic at Christmas time. This year, I am living at home. I had not realized the immense amount of effort it requires to produce a wonderful Holiday experience. I have not the energy for it! In fact, I fear that the true meaning of the Christmas season was lost amongst the business and stress. It was unsettling. Even now I am not sure why I feel this way following Christmas. Cookies, gifts, music, lights, food...it was all there. What seemed to be missing was that loving connection amongst my family. I used to connect with each of them in a very unique and meaningful way. Now, the nagging annoyance of living at home again seems to get in the way. I love my family. Yet, to go from an independent and aspiring college student to a living at home, working part-time young man with no clear future....well, that is a very arduous struggle. It plagues my thoughts daily. Every little Holiday celebration felt forced...or rather, just out of sync.

I suppose that I am just struggling with change. Change in the way I relate to my family. Change in some of my dearest friendships. Change in my perception of the world around me, both seen and unseen. Change in my perception of...myself.


Well, not to end on an unsettling note:
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. This new year's I will be toasting 2008. A year that took me far and did much.
I began 2008 with a funeral. I said goodbye to a true friend and a beautiful spirit. Then I worked hard to finish my degree, ended the most serious relationship I have had thus far, traveled extensively, and latched onto any temporary preoccupation I could to avoid facing the future. I am truly astonished when comparing myself now to myself at this time last year.



I suppose this thought will do for contemplating the occurrences of 2008 and looking towards the potentiality of 2009:

All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another. ~Anatole France