I had a strange revelation as I drove home this evening. I had just spent the last couple hours watching the newest Harry Potter film, which was a little disappointing by the way. It seemed to be the type of film that would be favored by those whose hearts are wooed by the Twilight stars. Now, I have not read either series and may never. However, after talking the Half-Blood Prince film over with my younger brother (who is a fan), I got the feeling that the film makers missed the point of the book. Or rather decided that the secondary plots of teenage love and drama would attract larger audiences. Frankly, I grew tired of the awkward exchanges and teenage-lovie-dovie nonsense. I was more interested in the bigger picture, which was...what again? Oh, yes. The powerful forces of evil that had risen again and were attempting to kill all that stood for good. But I guess I am just picky.
Oh, but that is not the point.
The Revelation
Revelation? Huh- that is only a little arrogant, isn't it? Is it really so profound as to merit that title. Or is it merely due to the fact that it is mine. Well, let's call it a thought. Maybe even an enlightened thought?
As I drove home down that dark highway, it occurred to me that I had no way of truly knowing what lay ahead. I mean, I had driven that road before. Many times actually. Yet, darkness has this way of making the familiar become very unfamiliar. Also, there were the road signs that kept me informed about what the road had in store and roughly when I would encounter it. Yet, there would be stretches of road where no sign would direct me for some time. The only constant while on this road where the lines that I followed. They kept me from straying off to one side or the other. They gave me just enough room to comfortably adjust my movement without losing the road. In all actuality, there was only one thing that I was focused upon. that was the point of road that continuously came into the illuminated view of my headlights. That was all that I could see ahead. Even with my brights on, I was still driving into an unknown darkness that would not be clear until I was nearly upon it. I guess, I find the whole scene to be rather surreal.
Now I can hear you: "What are you talking about? You just described driving at night. I was told that there was a revelation coming up!" Calm yourself and be patient.
Here is my inspired connection.
As I forged ahead into the dark unknown, I thought: "Huh, this is a lot like my life right now." Of course the metaphor should be obvious, but I like to type out my thoughts. I am still moving through life, whether it is quite slow or fast enough that I need to be put in my place. I may not be given clear road signs along the way and I may not see the ones that are there. I am just attempting to keep myself between those lines and on the road. I am alive and I am moving towards something. I don't know what and I surely can't see it. Yet, I am given occasional hints and my vision picks up the path as it is illuminated.
So, I can spend time double-checking the map, worrying over the absence of road signs, or even asking for directions. Ultimately, the only thing to do is to continue down the road. There are no short-cuts or easier ways. I must forge ahead into the unknown and take what comes my way. I know that the road leads somewhere, but I do not yet know where. Yet I keep moving. My destination will be reached, though I know not when or for how long.
I will strive to enjoy the ride.
Musical Thought that will accompany this Enlightened Thought:
Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls played while I drove home. Haven't heard that in a while! Always fun to rediscover something and find that you still like it!
I guess it is the chorus that really gets me, no matter its actual meaning.
And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
So, there you go.
Keep driving for the road holds much in store.
Hello again my old friends. Or is it just me and the blog at this point. Eh, either way...lets get writing!
Well, I have been processing for quite a while now. My last post exposed the fact that I have been struggling to establish my post-college life. I am a relaxed and fairly laid-back guy and had been working pretty hard to simply enjoy where I was in life. Yet, eventually the monotony of my life got to me (not to mention the unsupportive comments that flew at me from friends and family) and I became disheartened. Disheartened? No. Lets be honest: depressed. I had a break down and really came face-to-face with my shortcomings and the disappointments of the most recent portion of my path. I do appreciate the few comments that I received from close friends. Rest assured, I have improved since then.
And plummeted again. And regained hope. And then became unmotivated and hopeless.
It seems to be a wild ride on this my emotional roller coaster!
Well, let's recap and bring everyone up to date, shall we?
Since we last left our intrepid hero....
I was working with my father doing energy audits for the state and had hopes for an adventurous summer and possible exciting jobs beyond that. Well, we finally finished our quota of homes to audit...and not a house too soon! Don't get me wrong, I believe in energy efficiency and the position paid very well. Yet, we found out towards the end of our work with this program that about half of the audit we did for each home would have to be re-done by the insulation crew due to stricter federal standards. So...half of our work was really just governmental inefficiency and a general waste of resources. That really helped keep our motivation going when we were auditing some of the most disgusting, unsanitary homes in the state! Seriously, I really worry about some of these people...
April was mostly uneventful. Just doing energy audits, which continued through parts of May and were finished the first week of June. May, however, was terribly busy for myself and my family! First up was my mother's college graduation. For the last three years, my mother has been going back to school and finishing her undergrad degree in accounting. Not only did she graduate this May, but she graduated with honors and as the top accounting student in the university! That was really amazing! She was honored at a special awards ceremony and then walked at graduation. We were so proud!
But wait, there's more!
That day was actually quite entertaining for all of its eventfulness. We had mom's graduation ceremony in the morning, then a quick reception after, lunch with some good friends, then drove an hour north for prom events. That's right, my brother's senior prom was on the same day! We drove an hour because his date lived that far away: they did pictures up there and then loaded up for prom an hour away.
However, I did not ride back towards home with my family. They left me in town to meet up with some friends. Just me and a small satchel of necessities for the night and the next day. I looked quite comical as I waited for my good friend to pick me up at a gas station! Kind of a road-wanderer. So, I had a fun time with some friends and then my father picked me up and we went to a Green Conference in Denver. Very cool, actually. Good food, awesome products, and creative ideas.
That was the first weekend...
The rest of the month was also eventful! My father had his 60th birthday (oh dear!) and that was good fun! Also, my brother graduated from high school. He did very well at the little high school here and played an amazing drum solo with the jazz band at graduation. We were impressed! So another celebration! He will be attending CC in the fall, my alma matter!! Exciting!
Speaking of CC, I went to graduation in May. Oh dear! It really hit me hard when the class of 2009 walked across the stage and then threw their caps in the air. I am no longer a "recent" grad. It was odd to realize that it had been a full year since I had finished school. The memories seemed so fresh, yet fading so quickly. I had fun at graduation with some other ex-recent grads, but I will admit that overall...it was too hard and too real. Alas, time keeps moving forward and no amount of longing for the past will reverse the natural order of life. Rough lesson to learn, and yet I feel like I have been taught it repeatedly.
June was a nice slow down for me. Relatively...
I guess I really just got a chance to focus on my decisions about my future. What decisions? Oh that's right! You wouldn't know yet because I haven't been posting very regularly....yeah...
--drum-roll--
Americorps finally came through and offered me a placement. A full year after I had applied. A year full of filing all sorts of paper work, spending hours on hold with the program's center, being amazingly patient, and attempting to do everything and anything to get a clear read on the situation and my standing within the program! Yes, after all that...they offered me a placement. July 18th in Vicksburg, Mississippi. Problems: Mississippi in the summer for a Colorado native, Vicksburg being a brand new campus (in staff, not facilities), and my complete lack of motivation for this program. Yeah...I just couldn't see myself doing this. Besides, when the fateful letter came I had just decided to move on and make other plans. So, I passed. Whoever got my slot-- you're welcome.
Oh, what were those plans you ask?
In the last post I had mentioned wanting to work in a National Park for the summer and then look into wine positions in wine country. Don't remember? No matter...I did. Take my word for it. Well, the National Park positions were harder to find than I imagined and most filled up quickly. As for the wine thing...well, I am currently working quite hard to make this come true! Several of the wineries/vineyards in the US post "harvest internships" on various employment websites. I have been firing off cover letters and resumes like crazy. Current status: Applied to 21 and heard back from 5. No job yet. Oy! The hardest part has been getting my foot in the door. I know I lack experience, but I make up for it with energy, a strong work ethic, and a huge willingness to learn.
I just need a chance.
I love wine and want to learn all about it. I want to become a skilled artisan in this craft. It is so amazing to be able to nurture the vine, collect the fruit, and then carefully create something that is so amazingly complex and harmonious.
A thing of beauty.
I want to create something beautiful.
This post has become rather lengthy. I will update more on my job search and the state of my mental and emotional well-being later. As it is, wish me luck!
I need a glass of wine.
"I can tell. You are processing things right now."
This was the response that I received from a very good friend when I finally opened up to someone about all the things that have been plaguing my thoughts recently. It was obvious to those who read my last post (Some Days...) that I have been struggling with life. Rest assured that things have been looking up from that February 15th post.
For one thing, March happened. Yes, that's right. An entire month of the year just happened.
It was actually a great month! Our funding for LEAP Energy Audits was restored and we were back at it. I spent about two weeks working and then took a Spring Break trip with two great friends. We road-tripped down to Tuscan, AZ for a 10 day vacation of hiking, eating, drinking, pool lounging, and general relaxation. Somewhere amongst the green beer and green chile, the 25 miles of hiking, and hills covered in saguaros -- I had a bit of an emotional and existential breakdown. Luckily, I had two of the most amazing people in the world there with me. Once I stopped brooding and holding it all in, they were there to offer their perspective on life. They were real and honest with me and did not shy away from taking on the heavy stuff. By no means did we solve all of life's little (and not-so-little) issues. However, we made progress and had great discussions. Let's just say that we made about as much progress as you can in an Irish Pub with a couple beers! Once I returned, it was right back to work for a few days and then another road trip. This time with my family down to Sante Fe to immerse ourselves in the art scene. We all loved it! I really enjoyed the work of Todd White -- great stuff! This trip was actually a part of my birthday present. That's right, March is the glorious month that contains my birthday! Once we returned from Sante Fe, I jetted up to the Springs for a little b-day shindig: good friends and wine!
So, March was fun and interesting.
Alright, good catch up blurb.
Since that rather full month, April has been a little slower. I am still "processing" many things and coming to terms with this. I reliaze now that my breakdown that occured during and after the Tuscan trip was really a result of two factors. First, the building frustration in my life. Things haven't gone how I planned and living at home is getting to me. I really have it pretty nice up here, but I crave more. In the absence of exciting goals, I have dwelled upon my life and begun to question many things: religion, passions, goals, success, meaning.... It just spirals on from there.
The second factor?
A careless comment by a close friend: "It's been nearly a year since you graduated and look where you are. Are you really happy?"
Very few things in life are as crushing as when a best friend calls you out as a failure. That was the spark that lit the short fuse on my breakdown. I just hope that those that were caught in the blast will forgive me...
Yet, there is light.
I have realized that it is okay to be processing. I think that we all do it occasionally. Besides, that is the kind of man that I want to be: a peaceful soul that is constantly questioning and searching. "Not all who wander are lost." I want to have this adventurous and curious attitude all my life. That is the human experience. We change our personal definitions and ideals based upon the new information that we take in each day. This process of adjusting and growing is quickened by our interactions with each other.
So, I am still pondering the big idea and looking for new experiences.
Also, with all this pondering, I have set my sights on a new goal for my future. The Americorps program that I applied for has been putting me on hold since last summer. There is still a chance that they would place me this summer, yet I have lost much of my motivation and enthusiasm for this program. If an offer does come through, I will most likely decline. Instead, I hope to spend this summer working in a National Park outside Colorado. After that, there are some Harvest Internships in the western wine country that look pretty enticing!
So, I am processing and constantly re-evaluating my perceptions of both the world around and myself. Some days it is depressing and others it is very encouraging. Overall, the process hurts. Growing pains, I suppose.
Yet, I wouldn't have it any other way...
Recently it seems that the days are characterized by extremes. Yesterday was an incredible day, full of joy and love from great people. Today was rather crushing and disheartening. They seem to do that. Back and forth. No real middle ground. Maybe this is normal? Maybe everyone has this and you just play the odds, hoping that the good days outnumber the bad ones? I hope not. I don't have the energy to keep doing this. If it is playing the odds, then I am due for a big pay off because I have been losing for so long. I have enormous wealth in rough and troubling days.
Just keep moving I suppose. Moving? Hmm...not really. I think the problem is that I am merely surviving and not living. Not making plans, laying ground work, not making goals and taking aim at them. It is easy to say what I must do. The motivational speeches come in huge numbers from my friends, family, and myself on a good day. Yet...breaking this cycle of bad day building upon bad day is not easy. I still go days without seeing another human being outside my family. Some days I don't leave the house.
I get frustrated by my situation. Then I am frustrated at my frustration. Then I am angry to be so frustrated. Even angrier when my bad mood is unleashed in unintended and unpredictable ways on those that I love.
A vicious cycle.
My thoughts on this subject right now are too lengthy and dark for a blog posting. Often my thoughts get away from me and only worsen the situation. The only solution at that point is to cease the train wreck of thoughts and allow my mind and spirit to recover from the self-assault. As is often the case, I use music to clear my head and kill off the train of self-destructive thoughts.
Today was Some Days Are Better Than Others by U2. Seems to fit my feelings today, at least partially.
Some days are dry, some days are leaky
Some days come clean, other days are sneaky
Some days take less, but most days take more
Some slip through your fingers and onto the floor
Some days you're quick, but most days you're speedy
Some days you use more force than is necessary
Some days just drop in on us
Some days are better than others
Some days it all adds up
And what you got is not enough
Some days are better than others
Some days are slippy, other days sloppy
Some days you can't stand the sight of a puppy
Your skin is white but you think you're a brother
Some days are better than others
Some days you wake up with her complaining
Some sunny days you wish it was raining
Some days are sulky, some days have a grin
And some days have bouncers and won't let you in
Some days you hear a voice
Taking you to another place
Some days are better than others
Some days are honest, some days are not
Some days you're thankful for what you've got
Some days you wake up in the army
And some days it's the enemy
Some days are work, most days you're lazy
Some days you feel like a bit of a baby
Lookin' for Jesus and His mother
Some days are better than others
Some days you feel ahead
You're making sense of what she said
Some days are better than others
Some days you hear a voice
Taking you to another place
Today is one more mark in the "bad days" column.
I close my eyes. Take a deep breath. I am playing the odds and hoping to win soon.
Wish me luck.
Valentine's Day 2009-
Ugh...
That is my usual response to this holiday. I am not quite sure why. V-Day is one of the few holidays that has a very amazing and necessary value at its center -- Love. Yet, I guess the holiday's meaning has changed for me over the years.
When I was young, it was all about the parties that we had in class and the Valentine Boxes. Remember that? You would grab a shoe box and cover it with paper, color, and hearts - all for the sole purpose of collecting those special notes. Of course with an art teacher as a father, my boxes were always quite elaborate. My favorite was the dinosaur! Big tall and narrow box that we added short feet to, a long neck with a mouth and all, and covered in scales that were all shades of green! It was great!
As I got older, V-Day was about getting flowers, balloons, or candy brought into one of your classes and triumphantly placed upon your desk. Tokens of love, sure. Really they were unmistakable symbols that you were special and had merited the recognition via candy or flower. It put everyone on notice - sort of status symbols.Then, eventually it was all about having a boyfriend/girlfriend with which to spend the special day. You were encouraged to shower gifts on your special someone and spend plenty of time with them.
To date I have only had two V-Days in my life where I was dating someone and was able to spend that special day with them. And, to be honest, it isn't all that amazing. I suppose I had high expectations both times. Yet, I am sure that I will someday have a splendid V-Day with someone very special! Someday...down the road.
Yes, the day's meaning has changed over the years for me. However, I believe the cause of my current "ugh" reaction has more to do with society's perception of V-Day. This holiday has been so overly commercialized and marketed towards couples. So much so that you really can't win either way. If you are in a relationship, then there is pressure to make the day special and really do all that you can. And if you're not, then it is just an annoying reminder of your lonely situation. So, I have spent two V-Days with someone and the other 20 on my own (yes, i realize that I am counting all the ones as a child. my blog, my rules.). I guess I have become jaded in a way. I just see the day as a very blatant "Hey, you're single!" yelled in my face by the calendar.
Yet, it shouldn't! If the focus of the day were less on the showering of gifts and acknowledgment of being in a romantic relationship, then we could recognize the true value at the center. L-O-V-E
That is the important thing. I know it sounds sappy, but love is missing in far too much of society. So, I say re-center love on this V-Day and recognize that it is a day to appreciate all those who are important in your life -- not just that one who got you the really big heart full of chocolates.
Although, if anyone gets me one of those...I will love you more.
Now to commemorate this day of celebration of love, I give you my top three love songs. In my opinion, these are some of the greatest love songs. I will definitely be listening to these for years! (song names are links)
- Everything by Michael Buble
- Change The World by Eric Clapton
- Out Of My League by Stephen Speaks
Love ya! :-)
Up until about three weeks ago I had been doing Energy Audits for low-income families on energy assistance (see previous posts). We did our simple tasks and helped out people with tips and services. We also got to know them. Often their living conditions were just enough to get by or their failing health was very apparent. Yet, most people didn't try to hide these parts of their lives. They were open and real with us. It was an offering of trust. So, we often shared our lives with them as well. I can't tell you how often i uttered this phrase:
Well, I just graduated from college in May and now I am actually just waiting to hear back from Americorps while I do this. I hope to spend a year doing some National Service work and then go from there.
Of course, then I would answer follow up questions and so on. I was surprised to hear awfully encouraging words from so many of these people. In such little time with each other, many people were offering very hopeful words regarding my future! One woman even went so far as to say that she "knew" that I would go on to great things! I have to say, this was very helpful in getting me through the long waiting period. Kept me optimistically looking forward.
Very refreshing human connections.
However...
Remember that "about three weeks ago" I mentioned? Go ahead and look. I will wait for you to catch up...
Good? Okay, so about three weeks ago we found out that the funding for those energy audits was not officially guaranteed. We were ordered to stop. So, I have been out of work for a while now. This hasn't helped my patience. So, my days are rather uneventful. I sleep in most days and wake up to very little to do. I help around the house, chop wood, sort my music, and hike or cross country ski depending on the weather. There are often long stretches of time when I don't see another human being who is not a member of my immediate family.
It is all a little surreal.
Also, a little depressing.
So, I have been doing some research and looking into moving out. I think that I will stay in Colorado until I am a little more financially stable. So, maybe Boulder or Durango? They are currently on the list for potential new homes. Hopefully a friend of mine and I will find a place and jobs in either of these places. We shall see.
Bottomline:
I need to move out and move on. I realize that it is perfectly acceptable for a recent college grad to live at home for a time. Especially during these rough economic times. But, I am realizing that I am quite ready to do this. I guess I am wanting to hold myself to my own standards. I didn't finish my senior year at CC in the grandest of styles and ended up letting myself down in many areas. So, now I long to prove to myself that I can make goals and take steps towards them.
That is what this is about. My goals. They may not be clear right now. They will be. It will take time and focus for me to really identify what I wish to shoot for. To find my passions. As I write this, I am sitting in a room that is full of my life. Pictures from all the years of my life. Books from college. High school trophies. Cherished items from childhood (my first teddy bear eyes me from the dresser!). It is wonderful to reminisce, but I also feel trapped. the artifacts of my past form a prison whose walls are tall and thick. They block any view I might have of my future. Even though my future is murky and unknown, I would be able to illuminate it slightly with my goals and ambition. As it is...I struggle to live within my confines and find that elusive hole. Sure, I am surviving and I know that it could be a lot worse. But I am not living. I wish to really live life! To go out there with the people and take on the world. I wish to dream and think big, yet act locally and personally. That is all that we have as humans.
Participating in life.
Engaging one another and refusing to let anyone continue through life without experiencing pure joy and rising to meet challenges. There are days when my mind runs rampant with ideas and amazing, unrefined thoughts. But those days are far too few.
I think it is time now...
No one is going to hand this to me.
I need to make this my own and actually trace my own path.
It is time.
To ease the constant feeling of isolation from living in a very small mountain town, i have been making frequent trips to visit friends who are still in Colorado. As I began to take to the road for a recent trip, I found myself rifling through my collection of CDs (remember those?!) in desperate need of some fresh sounds. I stumbled upon a mix CD that I made while in high school. I thought hard to try to remember what was on it.
I drew a blank. I smiled. I threw it in!
Nice trip down memory lane! Perfect pick for the trip. One of the songs happened to be one of my favorites to sing along with. It is very laid back and fits my vocal range perfectly! Just a fun song to sing! Red Hot Chili Pepper's Melancholy Mechanics (click the name for song). Great driving song!
persistent mystic faults my vision
its like always this point of collision
its raining in my cranium
my head feels like a stadium
3 pound of love
about to burst
inside my 3 pound
universe
its raining in my cranium
my head feels like a stadium
these are the melancholy mechanics of my mind
symbols I've been given to express my goal
always come up short
you know they just don't get that low
its raining in my cranium
my head feels like a stadium
these are the melancholy mechanics of my mind
Quick release chemicals strike with incomprehensible precision
Biorganic electronics targeting microscopic destinations of devastation
cleaner than light
meaner than a laser fight in the night 2000
billions of micro maniacs unknown to most as the uncontrollable soldiers
of suffering succotash
instantaneous infiltration leaves me with a case of bustation, frustration,
alone in the constellation of alienation detached from empty conversation
I wait
I wait
for the waaaaaave to break.
That last bit is spoken in a very quick rhythm. Really fits those days when I feel relaxed, yet also very productive and creative. My mind may be racing with thoughts and ideas, but I find myself very relaxed and do not feel the need to actually present these thoughts in any physical way. No need to write or create or even make them verbal. I am content in knowing that I had the thought and that it is still stored away in mind for another day. So, at the end of the day...I may not have much to show for this laid back brainstorm. That is okay. Perhaps these thoughts need refinement before they are to be harvested.
The day is not exciting. It is not depressing.
It is...melancholy.
I love this song. Its quirky and relaxed beat fits my mood well. I picture myself with a cup of tea or a nice glass of wine just sitting back in a comfy chair in a small coffee house. Warm lights. People talking. The band playing in the corner. Me - smiling at myself as another crazy thought begins to develop. Maybe this one will get written down. Maybe...
Let's just see how it ripens.
