Endure Till It Develops

So, my last post was all about how I didn't know and somehow thoroughly enjoyed that fact.

That post was also last year.

Here I am writing in the year 2010. In fact, I am a full four months into this year. The new year came and passed quickly, I will tell you that. Oh, I celebrated it with some close friends. We celebrated quite a bit... too much really! But, that happens.
Now, it has been just a week since my 24th birthday. Crazy stuff. It has also been two years since I graduated college and a full six years since I graduated high school. Time is odd and I am no where near where I once expected at that time. So it goes...

As for "I Don't Know", well... I know a little more.

I am still in Manitou Springs and still love my little apartment. It is honestly a little sanctuary from the world and cares outside. I often relish the solitude and peacefulness. Point of fact, the loneliness that I once felt overwhelmingly as I sat within these walls has melted away. Perhaps it has been the changes in my life.
First: Work! I have been working much more at the ice cream shop and I am currently at four days a week. This really helps make ends meet and relieves some of the stress concerning money. Also, I picked up a second job as a tour guide in a commercial cave. Yep, I often spend most of my days under ground! The cave is really amazing, but the commercialization of the cave is frustrating and often chaotic. However, I keep busy and paid.

Second: Interests! I have really picked up some of my interests and hobbies again. Guitar playing was first and has been slowly progressing. No concerts yet. My photography was next and has picked up the most. I have been taking hundreds of photos and sorting through them like mad. I am pulling together collections and hope to get them into a gallery soon. In fact, you can see some of them at my Art Photography site. Next was my continuous pursuit for wine, both enjoying and eventually making. I have been taking classes here in town to better enjoy and understand wine. I have been reading and studying and hope to take a sommelier certification course soon. Also, I have been making and maintaining connections with Colorado wine makers. Has been fun! And, most recently I have become hooked on climbing. I know, I should have caught on more while at college, but I tend to do things at my own pace. Funny thing is that it only took a couple trips to a new gym in C. Springs for me to realize how much I enjoy it. So, I have been buying gear, hitting the gym, and looking for people to go outdoor climbing. Sweet times~!

Third: Future! I will only be in the Manitou area till the end of May. That's right, I "know" a little about what I will be doing! I will be moving to Glenwood Springs, CO. A couple of my friends and I will be subletting a house in Glenwood for the summer and we will all be working out there. I have an awesome job. I am going to be a high-ropes course and zip-line guide for a Glenwood Canyon rafting company! The course is being newly built this spring and will feature zip-lines crossing the river - sweet! I will be trained the first week of June and then will work all summer-- 40 hrs a week/10hrs a day! Also, moving to Glenwood gets me closer to Colorado wine country and my hope is to find work and experience in the industry. I am going to make it happen!


So, life is pretty good despite all of the rough patches. I lost my last grandparent last October. I lost my dog last month. Also, my father's health has been iffy -- but he keeps working. Other than that, I just dealt with my own depression and insecurities.
But I did deal with them and continue to do so.


I keep moving and I endure the trials so that the rewards are that much sweeter.

Although, I prefer my rewards dry and full-bodied~!

I Don't Know...

Such a powerful phrase. When uttered, you experience a beautiful sense of freedom and an equally beautiful sense of vulnerability. I love that phrase, though most would think it weak or simple. What is so wrong with admitting that you just don't know something?!
"What will the weather be like next month?"
"How will our nation handle the burdening decisions regarding healthcare and the environment?"
"What happened to my keys?"
"What happens when we die?'
~I Don't Know.~

I love taking full confidence in the truth of the situation. If I actually have no idea about something, then I will tell you that. Why hide this freeing fact? Admitting that you don't know also opens doors and presents opportunities!
"Oh, you don't know much about running a multi-million dollar business? Well, let me teach you and then down the road you can run mine!" This is entirely plausible...

Yet as much as I adore this phrase, there is one question that it does not seem to satisfy...
~"What are you going to do with your life?"~
The reply of I Don't Know usually only gets blank stares and stammers of disbelief. Most times I care very little about how people respond to this, but I must admit that I occasionally react the same way. Internally, I struggle with the reality that I am not sure about where I am headed. I want to make peace with this fact and feel assured that things will work out. However, trite little sayings and motivational catch-phrases don't exactly sell the idea~!

Yet, I work and attempt to remain confident and positive.

But...this city seems determined to undermine that. I find that it is cold and cruel. No matter where I go or what I try to do... the negativity and absolute lack of compassion press upon me. My neighbors fight--I mean, full on screaming matches and rumored black eyes. I try to get out and find little spots to escape: coffee shops, wine bars, work, bars, art galleries... I inevitably find the true face of the city. It is ugly and it is mean. Even as I write this, a man sits at the table behind me yelling and cussing at someone on the phone. He ends the conversation, "Whatever mom!"
I can't seem to catch a break. I have lived here for about four months and the best that I can do is a part-time job scooping ice cream. I apply and interview for just about anything that I can.
Got a call today about a job that I interviewed for last week. I really felt confident. I mean, I nailed that interview! The message: "Unfortunately..." You get the picture. So, money is still tight. Most nights I sit at home watching a movie with the volume turned up enough to drown out the shouts from next door and the street. I hardly see what few friends I do have in the area. I understand that they are busy-I get that. Don't think me naive or playing the victim.

Bottomline:
I really am not sure about where I am heading in life. I am also not sure how I feel about that. I do know that the status quo is not about to cut me any slack.

So, change the status quo...

Bluring At The Edges

I love photography.
Many of you know this. I will post some of my work someday, but it is nothing incredibly special. I have a decent camera. Not great, but in the right light it produces amazing images. A couple months ago I bought an adapter and a wide-angle lens to use with it. I got a great deal and thought that i would really get some quality shots. However, the lens does not work so well with my camera. It is great for macro (close-up) work, but there are adverse results with grander scenes. Essentially, the color shifts and the edges blur quite a bit. It ruins most pictures, but gives an odd perception of acceleration to others. Its as if you were speeding through the air towards the scene before you.
Everything starts to blur together at those speeds...

My October was very much like that. I was working two jobs and kept rather busy. I picked up more shifts at the ice cream shop when some of my co-workers left. The other job was with a costume, wig, and makeup shop for the busy Halloween season. Due to my technical aptitude, they used me significantly more than many of the other seasonal workers. So, for the last week of October I worked five days at the costume shop and four days at the ice cream shop.

Bottom line, my life became a blur. Things moved past at an alarming pace, but there was nothing I could do about it. I remember being tired and stressed at times. Yet, I also remember having fun with co-workers and the mad rush of business. I suppose that month of my life was a sort of spectacle of chaos and pushing myself to utter exhaustion. It was what I had to do. I am still making ends meet and that, my friends, is success.


Yet, that odd blur of a month has made me realize that I must constantly realign myself with my goals and be sure to take those small steps. Life will get moving fast enough if you let it.
Yes, my October was fast and busy. Perhaps I do enjoy that environment and it did make me feel as if I was moving forward. Yet, as a reach this point of slow down...I realize that I may have pushed myself harder than most and provided some service, but I did not further myself in my goals.
Perhaps I just need to take time and refine those aims.

Take a breath. Slow down. Let the image become clear.

Changing Seasons -- Changing Setting

So much has happened since my last post in which I pondered the Dark Road ahead of me. At that time I had ideas, but I really had no clear idea of where I was going. Well, August was quite eventful. Essentially, my life went from the dark back country highway to the express way. Things sped up to a near blur of people and places and then my exit came up quite fast...
Manitou Springs.

Yes, I have moved out of my parent's house and I now have a small studio apartment in Manitou Springs, CO. How did this choice come to pass, you ask? Well, here goes the story:
As the end of August approached, my younger brother was quite busy getting ready for college --> my Alma Matter! I spent some time helping him out, but I couldn't get over one thought that crept into my mind. Soon, I would be living at home alone. Just me and my parents and jobs are scarce where they live. I got nervous and so checking for positions in areas that I liked and weren't too far away became a daily activity. One day I stumbled upon an opening with the Manitou School district. They needed a computer tech to help out in the labs and some classrooms. I was qualified. I was interested. I got excited and applied. However, the school year was quickly approaching, so I would need a place in Manitou soon if I was going to be available for this position. I spent a weekend apartment hunting and found a great place. I gave a verbal agreement and awaited a call for an interview.
Then...well, you know the saying "don't count your chicks before they have hatched"? Yeah...
I did not get a call.
I had a small panic attack because nothing seemed to be working out. Perhaps I had made a wrong turn? I began to think this again and again...
When I voiced my concerns to the leasing agent of the place that I liked, she understood--but could not hold the place for much longer. I had just about resigned myself to failure and making a big U-turn in my life when...the leasing agent mentioned that she had a smaller place available for cheaper rent and it would be easier to move into! Suddenly, things lined up and I was reassured that despite my near speeding out of control, things were right and I should keep following this path.

So...living in Manitou:
It has been good so far. I got back a part-time job that I had before in my favorite ice cream shop and still know people there. It is hard work and not great pay, but it is something while I continue my job hunt. Manitou is great fun. Very quirky people and some fun ones live and work in the area. I am slowly getting to know people and have found a great bar that will become my "spot". Kinfolks is a outdoorsy kind of bar were people mingle, kids run around bar stools, and dogs of all breeds are welcome. The micro-brews are diverse and the live music is both frequent and good! My kind of place.
Yet, I need income first to meet my bills before I become a regular at any place. So, I am looking for another quick, part-time gig to help with the bills and I am searching for a little higher paying tech support position in the area. I have experience here, I enjoy it, and I am pretty sure that I could get great money doing it! So, that is life now. A little crazy with all the changes in scenery and a little uneasy with the lack of financial security, but always exciting!

Oh, I have also refined another goal for life!
-Sommelier-
I have been taking simple tasting courses in Manitou and talking with a local wine store owner and level II Sommelier about this. (PS- Swirl Wine Emporium is great!) She pointed me in the direction and gave me a little info about the certification process for sommeliers. It is really amazing! If you are at all interested, check out the details of the Master Sommelier certification. It is an amazing and rather difficult process, but I think that this could be my in for the business. The first level simply requires some extensive studying and then a slightly expensive two-day course and a final multiple choice test. I can do that in my spare time and work towards this while working either a "real" job or a series of part-time gigs. Of course, attaining level II is quite a bit more difficult. Level III requires 5 years experience and approval from the academy. Now, level IV is nearly impossible. Level IV is the Diploma Level and Master Sommelier level. This can only be achieved by invitation from the academy! In fact, to date there are only 171 professionals world-wide who have achieved this honorable specification!!
So...I apparently have lofty goals!

This will be a fun focus for my time and will open doors for me even at the First or Second level. Until then, I forge ahead and enjoy plenty of downtime when I am not working or job hunting. Thank goodness I am a movie freak and have assembled quite a collection (at least 150 films!).


So the path continues to be unsure, but I have just reached a small rest stop, passed a group of road signs, and met some people who know something about the way.


Press onward my friends and we will all get where we are going.

Where Does The Dark Road Lead?

I had a strange revelation as I drove home this evening. I had just spent the last couple hours watching the newest Harry Potter film, which was a little disappointing by the way. It seemed to be the type of film that would be favored by those whose hearts are wooed by the Twilight stars. Now, I have not read either series and may never. However, after talking the Half-Blood Prince film over with my younger brother (who is a fan), I got the feeling that the film makers missed the point of the book. Or rather decided that the secondary plots of teenage love and drama would attract larger audiences. Frankly, I grew tired of the awkward exchanges and teenage-lovie-dovie nonsense. I was more interested in the bigger picture, which was...what again? Oh, yes. The powerful forces of evil that had risen again and were attempting to kill all that stood for good. But I guess I am just picky.

Oh, but that is not the point.
The Revelation
Revelation? Huh- that is only a little arrogant, isn't it? Is it really so profound as to merit that title. Or is it merely due to the fact that it is mine. Well, let's call it a thought. Maybe even an enlightened thought?
As I drove home down that dark highway, it occurred to me that I had no way of truly knowing what lay ahead. I mean, I had driven that road before. Many times actually. Yet, darkness has this way of making the familiar become very unfamiliar. Also, there were the road signs that kept me informed about what the road had in store and roughly when I would encounter it. Yet, there would be stretches of road where no sign would direct me for some time. The only constant while on this road where the lines that I followed. They kept me from straying off to one side or the other. They gave me just enough room to comfortably adjust my movement without losing the road. In all actuality, there was only one thing that I was focused upon. that was the point of road that continuously came into the illuminated view of my headlights. That was all that I could see ahead. Even with my brights on, I was still driving into an unknown darkness that would not be clear until I was nearly upon it. I guess, I find the whole scene to be rather surreal.
Now I can hear you: "What are you talking about? You just described driving at night. I was told that there was a revelation coming up!" Calm yourself and be patient.
Here is my inspired connection.
As I forged ahead into the dark unknown, I thought: "Huh, this is a lot like my life right now." Of course the metaphor should be obvious, but I like to type out my thoughts. I am still moving through life, whether it is quite slow or fast enough that I need to be put in my place. I may not be given clear road signs along the way and I may not see the ones that are there. I am just attempting to keep myself between those lines and on the road. I am alive and I am moving towards something. I don't know what and I surely can't see it. Yet, I am given occasional hints and my vision picks up the path as it is illuminated.
So, I can spend time double-checking the map, worrying over the absence of road signs, or even asking for directions. Ultimately, the only thing to do is to continue down the road. There are no short-cuts or easier ways. I must forge ahead into the unknown and take what comes my way. I know that the road leads somewhere, but I do not yet know where. Yet I keep moving. My destination will be reached, though I know not when or for how long.
I will strive to enjoy the ride.



Musical Thought that will accompany this Enlightened Thought:
Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls played while I drove home. Haven't heard that in a while! Always fun to rediscover something and find that you still like it!
I guess it is the chorus that really gets me, no matter its actual meaning.

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

So, there you go.

Keep driving for the road holds much in store.

An Uncertain Next Step

Hello again my old friends. Or is it just me and the blog at this point. Eh, either way...lets get writing!

Well, I have been processing for quite a while now. My last post exposed the fact that I have been struggling to establish my post-college life. I am a relaxed and fairly laid-back guy and had been working pretty hard to simply enjoy where I was in life. Yet, eventually the monotony of my life got to me (not to mention the unsupportive comments that flew at me from friends and family) and I became disheartened. Disheartened? No. Lets be honest: depressed. I had a break down and really came face-to-face with my shortcomings and the disappointments of the most recent portion of my path. I do appreciate the few comments that I received from close friends. Rest assured, I have improved since then.
And plummeted again. And regained hope. And then became unmotivated and hopeless.
It seems to be a wild ride on this my emotional roller coaster!

Well, let's recap and bring everyone up to date, shall we?

Since we last left our intrepid hero....

I was working with my father doing energy audits for the state and had hopes for an adventurous summer and possible exciting jobs beyond that. Well, we finally finished our quota of homes to audit...and not a house too soon! Don't get me wrong, I believe in energy efficiency and the position paid very well. Yet, we found out towards the end of our work with this program that about half of the audit we did for each home would have to be re-done by the insulation crew due to stricter federal standards. So...half of our work was really just governmental inefficiency and a general waste of resources. That really helped keep our motivation going when we were auditing some of the most disgusting, unsanitary homes in the state! Seriously, I really worry about some of these people...

April was mostly uneventful. Just doing energy audits, which continued through parts of May and were finished the first week of June. May, however, was terribly busy for myself and my family! First up was my mother's college graduation. For the last three years, my mother has been going back to school and finishing her undergrad degree in accounting. Not only did she graduate this May, but she graduated with honors and as the top accounting student in the university! That was really amazing! She was honored at a special awards ceremony and then walked at graduation. We were so proud!
But wait, there's more!
That day was actually quite entertaining for all of its eventfulness. We had mom's graduation ceremony in the morning, then a quick reception after, lunch with some good friends, then drove an hour north for prom events. That's right, my brother's senior prom was on the same day! We drove an hour because his date lived that far away: they did pictures up there and then loaded up for prom an hour away.
However, I did not ride back towards home with my family. They left me in town to meet up with some friends. Just me and a small satchel of necessities for the night and the next day. I looked quite comical as I waited for my good friend to pick me up at a gas station! Kind of a road-wanderer. So, I had a fun time with some friends and then my father picked me up and we went to a Green Conference in Denver. Very cool, actually. Good food, awesome products, and creative ideas.

That was the first weekend...

The rest of the month was also eventful! My father had his 60th birthday (oh dear!) and that was good fun! Also, my brother graduated from high school. He did very well at the little high school here and played an amazing drum solo with the jazz band at graduation. We were impressed! So another celebration! He will be attending CC in the fall, my alma matter!! Exciting!
Speaking of CC, I went to graduation in May. Oh dear! It really hit me hard when the class of 2009 walked across the stage and then threw their caps in the air. I am no longer a "recent" grad. It was odd to realize that it had been a full year since I had finished school. The memories seemed so fresh, yet fading so quickly. I had fun at graduation with some other ex-recent grads, but I will admit that overall...it was too hard and too real. Alas, time keeps moving forward and no amount of longing for the past will reverse the natural order of life. Rough lesson to learn, and yet I feel like I have been taught it repeatedly.

June was a nice slow down for me. Relatively...
I guess I really just got a chance to focus on my decisions about my future. What decisions? Oh that's right! You wouldn't know yet because I haven't been posting very regularly....yeah...
--drum-roll--
Americorps finally came through and offered me a placement. A full year after I had applied. A year full of filing all sorts of paper work, spending hours on hold with the program's center, being amazingly patient, and attempting to do everything and anything to get a clear read on the situation and my standing within the program! Yes, after all that...they offered me a placement. July 18th in Vicksburg, Mississippi. Problems: Mississippi in the summer for a Colorado native, Vicksburg being a brand new campus (in staff, not facilities), and my complete lack of motivation for this program. Yeah...I just couldn't see myself doing this. Besides, when the fateful letter came I had just decided to move on and make other plans. So, I passed. Whoever got my slot-- you're welcome.

Oh, what were those plans you ask?
In the last post I had mentioned wanting to work in a National Park for the summer and then look into wine positions in wine country. Don't remember? No matter...I did. Take my word for it. Well, the National Park positions were harder to find than I imagined and most filled up quickly. As for the wine thing...well, I am currently working quite hard to make this come true! Several of the wineries/vineyards in the US post "harvest internships" on various employment websites. I have been firing off cover letters and resumes like crazy. Current status: Applied to 21 and heard back from 5. No job yet. Oy! The hardest part has been getting my foot in the door. I know I lack experience, but I make up for it with energy, a strong work ethic, and a huge willingness to learn.
I just need a chance.
I love wine and want to learn all about it. I want to become a skilled artisan in this craft. It is so amazing to be able to nurture the vine, collect the fruit, and then carefully create something that is so amazingly complex and harmonious.
A thing of beauty.
I want to create something beautiful.


This post has become rather lengthy. I will update more on my job search and the state of my mental and emotional well-being later. As it is, wish me luck!



I need a glass of wine.

Processing...

"I can tell. You are processing things right now."

This was the response that I received from a very good friend when I finally opened up to someone about all the things that have been plaguing my thoughts recently. It was obvious to those who read my last post (Some Days...) that I have been struggling with life. Rest assured that things have been looking up from that February 15th post.

For one thing, March happened. Yes, that's right. An entire month of the year just happened.

It was actually a great month! Our funding for LEAP Energy Audits was restored and we were back at it. I spent about two weeks working and then took a Spring Break trip with two great friends. We road-tripped down to Tuscan, AZ for a 10 day vacation of hiking, eating, drinking, pool lounging, and general relaxation. Somewhere amongst the green beer and green chile, the 25 miles of hiking, and hills covered in saguaros -- I had a bit of an emotional and existential breakdown. Luckily, I had two of the most amazing people in the world there with me. Once I stopped brooding and holding it all in, they were there to offer their perspective on life. They were real and honest with me and did not shy away from taking on the heavy stuff. By no means did we solve all of life's little (and not-so-little) issues. However, we made progress and had great discussions. Let's just say that we made about as much progress as you can in an Irish Pub with a couple beers! Once I returned, it was right back to work for a few days and then another road trip. This time with my family down to Sante Fe to immerse ourselves in the art scene. We all loved it! I really enjoyed the work of Todd White -- great stuff! This trip was actually a part of my birthday present. That's right, March is the glorious month that contains my birthday! Once we returned from Sante Fe, I jetted up to the Springs for a little b-day shindig: good friends and wine!
So, March was fun and interesting.

Alright, good catch up blurb.
Since that rather full month, April has been a little slower. I am still "processing" many things and coming to terms with this. I reliaze now that my breakdown that occured during and after the Tuscan trip was really a result of two factors. First, the building frustration in my life. Things haven't gone how I planned and living at home is getting to me. I really have it pretty nice up here, but I crave more. In the absence of exciting goals, I have dwelled upon my life and begun to question many things: religion, passions, goals, success, meaning.... It just spirals on from there.
The second factor?
A careless comment by a close friend: "It's been nearly a year since you graduated and look where you are. Are you really happy?"
Very few things in life are as crushing as when a best friend calls you out as a failure. That was the spark that lit the short fuse on my breakdown. I just hope that those that were caught in the blast will forgive me...

Yet, there is light.
I have realized that it is okay to be processing. I think that we all do it occasionally. Besides, that is the kind of man that I want to be: a peaceful soul that is constantly questioning and searching. "Not all who wander are lost." I want to have this adventurous and curious attitude all my life. That is the human experience. We change our personal definitions and ideals based upon the new information that we take in each day. This process of adjusting and growing is quickened by our interactions with each other.
So, I am still pondering the big idea and looking for new experiences.

Also, with all this pondering, I have set my sights on a new goal for my future. The Americorps program that I applied for has been putting me on hold since last summer. There is still a chance that they would place me this summer, yet I have lost much of my motivation and enthusiasm for this program. If an offer does come through, I will most likely decline. Instead, I hope to spend this summer working in a National Park outside Colorado. After that, there are some Harvest Internships in the western wine country that look pretty enticing!

So, I am processing and constantly re-evaluating my perceptions of both the world around and myself. Some days it is depressing and others it is very encouraging. Overall, the process hurts. Growing pains, I suppose.


Yet, I wouldn't have it any other way...