Processing...

"I can tell. You are processing things right now."

This was the response that I received from a very good friend when I finally opened up to someone about all the things that have been plaguing my thoughts recently. It was obvious to those who read my last post (Some Days...) that I have been struggling with life. Rest assured that things have been looking up from that February 15th post.

For one thing, March happened. Yes, that's right. An entire month of the year just happened.

It was actually a great month! Our funding for LEAP Energy Audits was restored and we were back at it. I spent about two weeks working and then took a Spring Break trip with two great friends. We road-tripped down to Tuscan, AZ for a 10 day vacation of hiking, eating, drinking, pool lounging, and general relaxation. Somewhere amongst the green beer and green chile, the 25 miles of hiking, and hills covered in saguaros -- I had a bit of an emotional and existential breakdown. Luckily, I had two of the most amazing people in the world there with me. Once I stopped brooding and holding it all in, they were there to offer their perspective on life. They were real and honest with me and did not shy away from taking on the heavy stuff. By no means did we solve all of life's little (and not-so-little) issues. However, we made progress and had great discussions. Let's just say that we made about as much progress as you can in an Irish Pub with a couple beers! Once I returned, it was right back to work for a few days and then another road trip. This time with my family down to Sante Fe to immerse ourselves in the art scene. We all loved it! I really enjoyed the work of Todd White -- great stuff! This trip was actually a part of my birthday present. That's right, March is the glorious month that contains my birthday! Once we returned from Sante Fe, I jetted up to the Springs for a little b-day shindig: good friends and wine!
So, March was fun and interesting.

Alright, good catch up blurb.
Since that rather full month, April has been a little slower. I am still "processing" many things and coming to terms with this. I reliaze now that my breakdown that occured during and after the Tuscan trip was really a result of two factors. First, the building frustration in my life. Things haven't gone how I planned and living at home is getting to me. I really have it pretty nice up here, but I crave more. In the absence of exciting goals, I have dwelled upon my life and begun to question many things: religion, passions, goals, success, meaning.... It just spirals on from there.
The second factor?
A careless comment by a close friend: "It's been nearly a year since you graduated and look where you are. Are you really happy?"
Very few things in life are as crushing as when a best friend calls you out as a failure. That was the spark that lit the short fuse on my breakdown. I just hope that those that were caught in the blast will forgive me...

Yet, there is light.
I have realized that it is okay to be processing. I think that we all do it occasionally. Besides, that is the kind of man that I want to be: a peaceful soul that is constantly questioning and searching. "Not all who wander are lost." I want to have this adventurous and curious attitude all my life. That is the human experience. We change our personal definitions and ideals based upon the new information that we take in each day. This process of adjusting and growing is quickened by our interactions with each other.
So, I am still pondering the big idea and looking for new experiences.

Also, with all this pondering, I have set my sights on a new goal for my future. The Americorps program that I applied for has been putting me on hold since last summer. There is still a chance that they would place me this summer, yet I have lost much of my motivation and enthusiasm for this program. If an offer does come through, I will most likely decline. Instead, I hope to spend this summer working in a National Park outside Colorado. After that, there are some Harvest Internships in the western wine country that look pretty enticing!

So, I am processing and constantly re-evaluating my perceptions of both the world around and myself. Some days it is depressing and others it is very encouraging. Overall, the process hurts. Growing pains, I suppose.


Yet, I wouldn't have it any other way...

Some Days...

Recently it seems that the days are characterized by extremes. Yesterday was an incredible day, full of joy and love from great people. Today was rather crushing and disheartening. They seem to do that. Back and forth. No real middle ground. Maybe this is normal? Maybe everyone has this and you just play the odds, hoping that the good days outnumber the bad ones? I hope not. I don't have the energy to keep doing this. If it is playing the odds, then I am due for a big pay off because I have been losing for so long. I have enormous wealth in rough and troubling days.

Just keep moving I suppose. Moving? Hmm...not really. I think the problem is that I am merely surviving and not living. Not making plans, laying ground work, not making goals and taking aim at them. It is easy to say what I must do. The motivational speeches come in huge numbers from my friends, family, and myself on a good day. Yet...breaking this cycle of bad day building upon bad day is not easy. I still go days without seeing another human being outside my family. Some days I don't leave the house.

I get frustrated by my situation. Then I am frustrated at my frustration. Then I am angry to be so frustrated. Even angrier when my bad mood is unleashed in unintended and unpredictable ways on those that I love.
A vicious cycle.

My thoughts on this subject right now are too lengthy and dark for a blog posting. Often my thoughts get away from me and only worsen the situation. The only solution at that point is to cease the train wreck of thoughts and allow my mind and spirit to recover from the self-assault. As is often the case, I use music to clear my head and kill off the train of self-destructive thoughts.

Today was Some Days Are Better Than Others by U2. Seems to fit my feelings today, at least partially.

Some days are dry, some days are leaky
Some days come clean, other days are sneaky
Some days take less, but most days take more
Some slip through your fingers and onto the floor
Some days you're quick, but most days you're speedy
Some days you use more force than is necessary
Some days just drop in on us
Some days are better than others

Some days it all adds up
And what you got is not enough
Some days are better than others

Some days are slippy, other days sloppy
Some days you can't stand the sight of a puppy
Your skin is white but you think you're a brother
Some days are better than others

Some days you wake up with her complaining
Some sunny days you wish it was raining
Some days are sulky, some days have a grin
And some days have bouncers and won't let you in

Some days you hear a voice
Taking you to another place
Some days are better than others

Some days are honest, some days are not
Some days you're thankful for what you've got
Some days you wake up in the army
And some days it's the enemy

Some days are work, most days you're lazy
Some days you feel like a bit of a baby
Lookin' for Jesus and His mother
Some days are better than others

Some days you feel ahead
You're making sense of what she said
Some days are better than others

Some days you hear a voice
Taking you to another place

Today is one more mark in the "bad days" column.
I close my eyes. Take a deep breath. I am playing the odds and hoping to win soon.
Wish me luck.

Love At The Center

Valentine's Day 2009-

Ugh...
That is my usual response to this holiday. I am not quite sure why. V-Day is one of the few holidays that has a very amazing and necessary value at its center -- Love. Yet, I guess the holiday's meaning has changed for me over the years.

When I was young, it was all about the parties that we had in class and the Valentine Boxes. Remember that? You would grab a shoe box and cover it with paper, color, and hearts - all for the sole purpose of collecting those special notes. Of course with an art teacher as a father, my boxes were always quite elaborate. My favorite was the dinosaur! Big tall and narrow box that we added short feet to, a long neck with a mouth and all, and covered in scales that were all shades of green! It was great!

As I got older, V-Day was about getting flowers, balloons, or candy brought into one of your classes and triumphantly placed upon your desk. Tokens of love, sure. Really they were unmistakable symbols that you were special and had merited the recognition via candy or flower. It put everyone on notice - sort of status symbols.Then, eventually it was all about having a boyfriend/girlfriend with which to spend the special day. You were encouraged to shower gifts on your special someone and spend plenty of time with them.

To date I have only had two V-Days in my life where I was dating someone and was able to spend that special day with them. And, to be honest, it isn't all that amazing. I suppose I had high expectations both times. Yet, I am sure that I will someday have a splendid V-Day with someone very special! Someday...down the road.

Yes, the day's meaning has changed over the years for me. However, I believe the cause of my current "ugh" reaction has more to do with society's perception of V-Day. This holiday has been so overly commercialized and marketed towards couples. So much so that you really can't win either way. If you are in a relationship, then there is pressure to make the day special and really do all that you can. And if you're not, then it is just an annoying reminder of your lonely situation. So, I have spent two V-Days with someone and the other 20 on my own (yes, i realize that I am counting all the ones as a child. my blog, my rules.). I guess I have become jaded in a way. I just see the day as a very blatant "Hey, you're single!" yelled in my face by the calendar.

Yet, it shouldn't! If the focus of the day were less on the showering of gifts and acknowledgment of being in a romantic relationship, then we could recognize the true value at the center. L-O-V-E
That is the important thing. I know it sounds sappy, but love is missing in far too much of society. So, I say re-center love on this V-Day and recognize that it is a day to appreciate all those who are important in your life -- not just that one who got you the really big heart full of chocolates.

Although, if anyone gets me one of those...I will love you more.



Now to commemorate this day of celebration of love, I give you my top three love songs. In my opinion, these are some of the greatest love songs. I will definitely be listening to these for years! (song names are links)

1. Everything by Michael Buble
2. Change The World by Eric Clapton
3. Out Of My League by Stephen Speaks

Love ya! :-)

I think It's Time Now...

Up until about three weeks ago I had been doing Energy Audits for low-income families on energy assistance (see previous posts). We did our simple tasks and helped out people with tips and services. We also got to know them. Often their living conditions were just enough to get by or their failing health was very apparent. Yet, most people didn't try to hide these parts of their lives. They were open and real with us. It was an offering of trust. So, we often shared our lives with them as well. I can't tell you how often i uttered this phrase:

Well, I just graduated from college in May and now I am actually just waiting to hear back from Americorps while I do this. I hope to spend a year doing some National Service work and then go from there.

Of course, then I would answer follow up questions and so on. I was surprised to hear awfully encouraging words from so many of these people. In such little time with each other, many people were offering very hopeful words regarding my future! One woman even went so far as to say that she "knew" that I would go on to great things! I have to say, this was very helpful in getting me through the long waiting period. Kept me optimistically looking forward.
Very refreshing human connections.


However...
Remember that "about three weeks ago" I mentioned? Go ahead and look. I will wait for you to catch up...

Good? Okay, so about three weeks ago we found out that the funding for those energy audits was not officially guaranteed. We were ordered to stop. So, I have been out of work for a while now. This hasn't helped my patience. So, my days are rather uneventful. I sleep in most days and wake up to very little to do. I help around the house, chop wood, sort my music, and hike or cross country ski depending on the weather. There are often long stretches of time when I don't see another human being who is not a member of my immediate family.
It is all a little surreal.
Also, a little depressing.
So, I have been doing some research and looking into moving out. I think that I will stay in Colorado until I am a little more financially stable. So, maybe Boulder or Durango? They are currently on the list for potential new homes. Hopefully a friend of mine and I will find a place and jobs in either of these places. We shall see.

Bottomline:
I need to move out and move on. I realize that it is perfectly acceptable for a recent college grad to live at home for a time. Especially during these rough economic times. But, I am realizing that I am quite ready to do this. I guess I am wanting to hold myself to my own standards. I didn't finish my senior year at CC in the grandest of styles and ended up letting myself down in many areas. So, now I long to prove to myself that I can make goals and take steps towards them.

That is what this is about. My goals. They may not be clear right now. They will be. It will take time and focus for me to really identify what I wish to shoot for. To find my passions. As I write this, I am sitting in a room that is full of my life. Pictures from all the years of my life. Books from college. High school trophies. Cherished items from childhood (my first teddy bear eyes me from the dresser!). It is wonderful to reminisce, but I also feel trapped. the artifacts of my past form a prison whose walls are tall and thick. They block any view I might have of my future. Even though my future is murky and unknown, I would be able to illuminate it slightly with my goals and ambition. As it is...I struggle to live within my confines and find that elusive hole. Sure, I am surviving and I know that it could be a lot worse. But I am not living. I wish to really live life! To go out there with the people and take on the world. I wish to dream and think big, yet act locally and personally. That is all that we have as humans.
Participating in life.
Engaging one another and refusing to let anyone continue through life without experiencing pure joy and rising to meet challenges. There are days when my mind runs rampant with ideas and amazing, unrefined thoughts. But those days are far too few.

I think it is time now...
No one is going to hand this to me.
I need to make this my own and actually trace my own path.

It is time.

Melancholy Mechanics

To ease the constant feeling of isolation from living in a very small mountain town, i have been making frequent trips to visit friends who are still in Colorado. As I began to take to the road for a recent trip, I found myself rifling through my collection of CDs (remember those?!) in desperate need of some fresh sounds. I stumbled upon a mix CD that I made while in high school. I thought hard to try to remember what was on it.
I drew a blank. I smiled. I threw it in!
Nice trip down memory lane! Perfect pick for the trip. One of the songs happened to be one of my favorites to sing along with. It is very laid back and fits my vocal range perfectly! Just a fun song to sing! Red Hot Chili Pepper's Melancholy Mechanics (click the name for song). Great driving song!

persistent mystic faults my vision
its like always this point of collision

its raining in my cranium
my head feels like a stadium

3 pound of love
about to burst
inside my 3 pound
universe

its raining in my cranium
my head feels like a stadium

these are the melancholy mechanics of my mind

symbols I've been given to express my goal
always come up short
you know they just don't get that low

its raining in my cranium
my head feels like a stadium

these are the melancholy mechanics of my mind

Quick release chemicals strike with incomprehensible precision
Biorganic electronics targeting microscopic destinations of devastation
cleaner than light
meaner than a laser fight in the night 2000
billions of micro maniacs unknown to most as the uncontrollable soldiers
of suffering succotash
instantaneous infiltration leaves me with a case of bustation, frustration,
alone in the constellation of alienation detached from empty conversation
I wait
I wait
for the waaaaaave to break.

That last bit is spoken in a very quick rhythm. Really fits those days when I feel relaxed, yet also very productive and creative. My mind may be racing with thoughts and ideas, but I find myself very relaxed and do not feel the need to actually present these thoughts in any physical way. No need to write or create or even make them verbal. I am content in knowing that I had the thought and that it is still stored away in mind for another day. So, at the end of the day...I may not have much to show for this laid back brainstorm. That is okay. Perhaps these thoughts need refinement before they are to be harvested.
The day is not exciting. It is not depressing.
It is...melancholy.

I love this song. Its quirky and relaxed beat fits my mood well. I picture myself with a cup of tea or a nice glass of wine just sitting back in a comfy chair in a small coffee house. Warm lights. People talking. The band playing in the corner. Me - smiling at myself as another crazy thought begins to develop. Maybe this one will get written down. Maybe...

Let's just see how it ripens.

You Can Never Go Home Again

Ah, how true that phrase can be!
I went back to Limon today. This is where I lived for 8th - 12th grades. The last time I was there was a little over a year ago...and that was for a dear friend's funeral. Needless to say, I was a little apprehensive. I had decided that it would do me good to revisit this town as I navigated this transitional time of my life.
I tagged along with my father and the high school speech team that he is coaching. Unfortunately, this meant leaving at about 4:30am to get there in time. I slept. I slept the whole way. When I very drowsily awoke from my rather deep nap, we were there. The trip seemed almost instantaneous. As I rubbed the sleepy blur from my eyes, I began to recognize the all too familiar streets and sights of this town.

There is where I stalled my first manual transmission so many times that my friend had to take over. That is where I got my hair cut and sat chatting with some good friends. I used to date a girl who lived there. I marched up that street in a band uniform with a trombone held high. I spent hours in that small movie theater. I got my first speeding ticket there. I worked in that cemetery for five summers ...and laid a friend to rest there.

It was all a little overwhelming and strangely familiar. Especially walking through those double doors. I knew these halls and that smell. This collection of lockers, classrooms, and offices was my home for years. Yet as I thought back on those days and reminisced, I began to feel uncomfortable. As if I did not belong there.
I spent the day immersed in the speech and debate world that I had bid farewell to years ago. The familiar faces rushed at me so quickly that often the names did not follow. The day was mostly awkward encounters of pleasantries and quick updates on life. It is rough enough to be unsure of my own future, but having to explain this fact to everyone I reunited with was too much.
Of course, there were some people that I was overjoyed to see again. Some of my favorite teachers ever. The ones that really deserve the credit for getting me where I am today. The people that I ended up forming strong bonds with...better than most of my classmates. It warmed my heart to see them and share with them my success in academia. My old pastors as well. They never stopped keeping in touch with me: little notes, phone calls, quick lunches. They were a big part of my life in Limon and have a continued interest and compassion for my life. I do love them.
There were the mildly awkward interactions and the joyfully, heartwarming interactions. Also, there were some eye-opening encounters. Example: A great friend. A mentor. A man that I shared many thoughts with about God and the church. This man...had little to say to me. He seemed less alive. Less bright and did not have that joyful and inquisitive spirit within him. Another: Fellow members of the church that I attended long ago. People who had told me once before that they saw me in seminary school and wanted me to come right back there and preach for them. They still believe this. The fact that I have graduated with no immediate career planned out only encourages this strong belief. Others, whom I had once been at least somewhat close with, would not even recognize me.

Before we left that day, I wandered the halls after they had been emptied of the speech and debate activity. I moved slowly through the empty passageways, running my hand along the smooth walls. I found my old locker from senior year. I walked to some of my favorite classrooms...half those teachers had retired and moved on. I made sure to make the long trek down the narrow hallway towards my favorite room. I remembered this hallway the best. Smooth white cement bricks on one side. Rough red bricks on the other. Two English classrooms on the right, the band room on the left, and a outside door at the end towards the right. Straight down this narrow passage of my past was the art room. I spent hours in this room. A class every year and countless hours after school. Working on projects. Exploring my imagination. And spending time with one of my closest friends. Mr. Frank, my art teacher. I remember so many fun times and countless meaningful conversations. He was real. He shared his joys and frustrations. He challenged me and encouraged me. I stood for a moment in that messy, dimly lit room. The smell of paint and rubber cement was heavy in the air. The airbrushes...the glass etching sand...the large set of drawers that once held my work. For a moment, I wished to return to those warm and joyful times in this very room.
Only for a moment.
I quickly realized that I had once had a conversation in this room about my eagerness for the future. I was so excited to get out. Venture beyond these walls and this town. Mr. Frank had been sharing my excitement and reassuring me that I could do anything I wanted. But, he told me to make sure that I enjoyed what I did. He said that was the most important thing. It was a moment of quick realization that I had out-grown this place. There was a bigger world out there that I had only begun to explore. I had other needs to meet, other friendships to make, and other places to go. All I could take from here were some warm memories, some life lessons, and a handful of true friendships.
I sighed. Took one last look around that room and then left. Made my way back through the halls. Past the classrooms where I had learned so much. Past the ghosts of my life...friends and memories. As I made my way to those double doors again, I could even hear familiar voices echoing in the hallways. Echos of my past...of what shaped the person I am.

I returned from this trip feeling neither satisfied or unsatisfied. It was necessary, I believe, to reassure me that I did have a past. However, it was just that...my past.

My future is now my main concern. I no longer feel that emptiness of having left Limon too soon. I realize that I took what I needed and should move on. Perhaps this thought has given me some necessary peace of mind. Another step towards clarifying my thoughts and drawing a better picture of what my goals are.
Now, just focus a little more...

The Future in a Cookie?

Two nights ago, my family had our first Chinese food of 2009 and therefore our first fortune cookies of 2009. I guess we all felt that these should start our year off and give us a hint at what was to come. Just sort of a fun thought. However, fortune cookies never cease to surprise and amuse! Here are the four fortunes that we got in our cookies:

"The surest path to success is to envision that you cannot fail."

Ah, a gem of wisdom.

"The skills you have gathered will one day come in handy."

Nice last thought to end 2008.

"Set high goals."

Short and sweet.



Ooh, here is the clincher!

"About time I got out of that cookie."
:-P