Space.
To think.
To express.
To relate and to clarify.
A blog with no specific purpose. Its existence is completely reliant on my need to share ideas with others and attempt to sort out everything that speeds through my mind.
Maybe I am just trying to nail jello to a tree.
Think about it...
Well hello there my little neglected blog. Ah, yes...the path through ambiguous chaos. How true this still holds! The path has been chaotic and taken many turns. Some not the turns I would have preferred, but overall the journey has brought me joy and adventure.
Like all paths, you must make forward progress and leave things behind. We shed identities and associations often. We part ways with possessions, places, and even people. This is essential to our lives. We must avoid stagnation while still retaining our true selves - you know, that little special something that makes us unique. In light of this, I have moved on from this blog. I no longer feel the need to constantly update it, but I appreciate having the digital record of this time in my life. Revisiting past thoughts and experiences can be truly entertaining and occasionally enlightening. So, they will stand.
For those of you that followed my thoughts here, fear not! There are still places that you can go to hear me ramble on! I have a couple other projects currently. Please visit and share.
Thank you for sharing in this blog and allowing me to cast my thoughts out into the nothingness of the web with the slight hope that someone was reading. I hope that your own paths have taken you far.
Ask anyone. I love fall. The days shorten and everything changes. I have never enjoyed the hot days of summer. Don't get me wrong, I like being outside and exploring on a warm summer day. The heat can be a little too much, though. So when things begin to change and we feel our surroundings prepare for the chill of winter...I get excited. I love the color in the trees and the way the late-afternoon fall sunlight trips through the branches. The smell of leaves is relaxing. Other fall smells come out and greet me warmly: freshly picked apples, pumpkin pie, spiced cider, and deep Cabernet. The chill in the air advises you to bundle up and prepare for the expected snows. Everything is following the cycle. It is changing. It is getting ready for a long rest under the deep blankets of white.
In these shortening days, I find myself experiencing an odd paradox. The days get shorter and quicker, yet crawl by at the same time. I find that my list of tasks seems to always exceed the time in the day. I occasionally make progress. As I busy myself with tasks, I am also looking forward and counting the days. Texas...Chicago...Beaver Creek...then...?
Perhaps a little update is in order.
The summer of 2010 was wonderful. Living in Glenwood Springs was beautiful. That valley is wonderful. Just being near the rivers was refreshing. I lived with some great people in a community home where we shared meals and time together. I worked on a Challenge Course and Zip Line in the beautiful Glenwood Canyon. I got to play all the time and work with great people. My office was outside, attached to a cable and sailing forty feet above the Colorado River. My days off were thoroughly enjoyed. I worked at a CSA farm with my roommates for a share of food. One day a week - working on the farm doing whatever needed done and sharing in an amazing community of people. The food was great. The people were even better. A new vocation - new location - new community - new experiences - new romance. That last part may have been the best part of the summer. I could go on at length about the sweet times shared with this girl - bike rides, evening walks, talks in the coffee shop, and reading in our park. Perhaps I will keep those details for my own reminiscing purposes. I will say that I have never felt better about life than during those times.
Yet, just as the seasons change, so did that. Not completely. Just little adjustments. The summer passed us by quickly while we were living in it. I needed to find new employment and my girl needed a change of scene. So, while she is in the big city, I am preparing for my next thing. I accepted a position at a Colorado ski resort, Beaver Creek, and start in December. It seemed fitting that I have this transition time during the fall. I am also preparing for the oncoming snows.
I have been spending this transition time with my parents in their sleepy little mountain town. Among my own projects, I have been doing work for them around the property and their businesses. Plenty of downtime to prepare and reflect on where I have been and where I am going. I will be taking some of that time to repair a truck that had an unfortunate run-in with an antelope. It will prove very useful in the deep mountain snowfall. Some of that time will also be spent continuing my Challenge Course training. Just a quick little trip down to Texas for a week of continued training and experience. Interspersed in the bigger projects, I write and read, sort through photography, and make plans for future adventures.
My reward will be a mid-November trip to see the girl and travel back home for Thanksgiving. The anticipation gives me energy for each day. We miss each other and are looking forward to this time. As I said, the shorter days are merely crawling along.The winter will offer opportunity and adventure. A chance to explore another part of this state. A chance to re-kindle a good friendship. A chance to further my experiences and skills, as well as gain a glimpse of the next part of my path.
I am grateful for so much. For the autumn season. For opportunities to harvest food from the land. For time to reflect and prepare. For family and friends. For apple butter and pumpkin pies made in our kitchen. For warm fires on chilly nights. For friends who need roommates. For exciting employment and chances to keep playing. For creativity and inspiration. For wine and a book. For friendships that change, but never fade.
For a girl and her love.
Trees shed their leaves and the land turns dormant. There is a chill in the air and sunlight is fleeting.
Yes, I realize that it is October 2010. The summer has come and past. Life happened again and time slipped past without anyone noticing. Quite sneaky! The summer was wonderful. I felt like a came to life. I was reawakened to opportunities and to my character. I have amazing experiences and plenty of people (perhaps one person more than most ;-) )to thank for that. However, that update on my summer and on my life will have to wait. Stay tuned for that.
But now, a story from my journal...
Mine Pilgrimage
Out the door I go. Clothes thrown on, pack loosely filled, and food hastily eaten. I do not know myself right now, but I know that I must get out. Find peace and contemplation. The trail is steep and rocky as I start. It feels as though I will climb forever. It feels as though I am barely catching my breath or even moving my legs. This is my penance, I think to myself. For what, I do not know. My goal is the Marion Mine. So, I press on and allow little time to pity myself or dismay over the trail. The path is challenging and rewarding as I go along. Rocky, steep switchbacks give way to smooth steps through Aspen groves. The trees seem to press in on me and the path. It is as if they embrace me. A warm, welcoming, and safe embrace. I continue on past forks and signs until the shambles of the mine are in view. I stop before them in quiet celebration of my successful pilgrimage. Goal attained -- destination reached.
As I look upon the ruins of the mine -the buildings falling; beams rotting- I think of the temporary nature of man and his creations. Our ways and our efforts will all crumble in the face of time. But the mountain, the trees, and the river will continue long past our time. I am entranced by the natural surroundings. I may have reached my goal, but I desire to explore more.
I venture past the mine in shambles and follow the sound of the river. Some light scampering over rocks and trees allows me to discover a retreat. A beautiful waterfall cascades down boulders. It is small, but the sound is big and peaceful. The small river winds down through the rocks, pools at the bottom, and then continues on through the trees in the valley. The space is secluded - surrounded by trees and large rocks. There is a hidden sanctuary feel to it. Yet, a seated perch on one boulder affords me a view of not only the secluded falls and river, but also the great mountain that towers above. The tall Aspen trees seem to reach up as high as they can - like hands stretching into the blue of the sky. But the rocky cliff prevails above.
As I sit in secluded peace and allow every part of the scene to settle within me, one part catches my eye. The tiniest of details of this very beautiful scene. I look below where my feet rest to the river passing through rocks. It is fall here and the warm yellow extends from the trees down to the ground where leaves find a final resting place. In one of the smallest of eddies among the rocks, a perfect yellow aspen leaf floats. As the current passes by, the leaf spins in place. Drops of water sit lightly on top and go along for the ride. There is beauty in its motion - slowing, stopping, spinning again. Half wanting to wash away in the busy current and half wanting to stay where it is and find a resting place.
I contemplate this image among the serenity of the trees and rushing of the falls, when a cold breeze blows through the scene. My muscles tighten at the chill and I realize that it is time to depart. This sanctuary has shared with me peace and some of its limitless time. Now, I must finish that pilgrimage. The return path. It is familiar and yet everything is new.
Until the next update-
Stay healthy, tell people that you love them, and live a better story....
So, my last post was all about how I didn't know and somehow thoroughly enjoyed that fact.
That post was also last year.
Here I am writing in the year 2010. In fact, I am a full four months into this year. The new year came and passed quickly, I will tell you that. Oh, I celebrated it with some close friends. We celebrated quite a bit... too much really! But, that happens.
Now, it has been just a week since my 24th birthday. Crazy stuff. It has also been two years since I graduated college and a full six years since I graduated high school. Time is odd and I am no where near where I once expected at that time. So it goes...
As for "I Don't Know", well... I know a little more.
I am still in Manitou Springs and still love my little apartment. It is honestly a little sanctuary from the world and cares outside. I often relish the solitude and peacefulness. Point of fact, the loneliness that I once felt overwhelmingly as I sat within these walls has melted away. Perhaps it has been the changes in my life.
First: Work! I have been working much more at the ice cream shop and I am currently at four days a week. This really helps make ends meet and relieves some of the stress concerning money. Also, I picked up a second job as a tour guide in a commercial cave. Yep, I often spend most of my days under ground! The cave is really amazing, but the commercialization of the cave is frustrating and often chaotic. However, I keep busy and paid.
Second: Interests! I have really picked up some of my interests and hobbies again. Guitar playing was first and has been slowly progressing. No concerts yet. My photography was next and has picked up the most. I have been taking hundreds of photos and sorting through them like mad. I am pulling together collections and hope to get them into a gallery soon. In fact, you can see some of them at my Art Photography site. Next was my continuous pursuit for wine, both enjoying and eventually making. I have been taking classes here in town to better enjoy and understand wine. I have been reading and studying and hope to take a sommelier certification course soon. Also, I have been making and maintaining connections with Colorado wine makers. Has been fun! And, most recently I have become hooked on climbing. I know, I should have caught on more while at college, but I tend to do things at my own pace. Funny thing is that it only took a couple trips to a new gym in C. Springs for me to realize how much I enjoy it. So, I have been buying gear, hitting the gym, and looking for people to go outdoor climbing. Sweet times~!
Third: Future! I will only be in the Manitou area till the end of May. That's right, I "know" a little about what I will be doing! I will be moving to Glenwood Springs, CO. A couple of my friends and I will be subletting a house in Glenwood for the summer and we will all be working out there. I have an awesome job. I am going to be a high-ropes course and zip-line guide for a Glenwood Canyon rafting company! The course is being newly built this spring and will feature zip-lines crossing the river - sweet! I will be trained the first week of June and then will work all summer-- 40 hrs a week/10hrs a day! Also, moving to Glenwood gets me closer to Colorado wine country and my hope is to find work and experience in the industry. I am going to make it happen!
So, life is pretty good despite all of the rough patches. I lost my last grandparent last October. I lost my dog last month. Also, my father's health has been iffy -- but he keeps working. Other than that, I just dealt with my own depression and insecurities.
But I did deal with them and continue to do so.
I keep moving and I endure the trials so that the rewards are that much sweeter.
Although, I prefer my rewards dry and full-bodied~!
Such a powerful phrase. When uttered, you experience a beautiful sense of freedom and an equally beautiful sense of vulnerability. I love that phrase, though most would think it weak or simple. What is so wrong with admitting that you just don't know something?! "What will the weather be like next month?" "How will our nation handle the burdening decisions regarding healthcare and the environment?" "What happened to my keys?" "What happens when we die?' ~I Don't Know.~
I love taking full confidence in the truth of the situation. If I actually have no idea about something, then I will tell you that. Why hide this freeing fact? Admitting that you don't know also opens doors and presents opportunities! "Oh, you don't know much about running a multi-million dollar business? Well, let me teach you and then down the road you can run mine!" This is entirely plausible...
Yet as much as I adore this phrase, there is one question that it does not seem to satisfy... ~"What are you going to do with your life?"~ The reply of I Don't Know usually only gets blank stares and stammers of disbelief. Most times I care very little about how people respond to this, but I must admit that I occasionally react the same way. Internally, I struggle with the reality that I am not sure about where I am headed. I want to make peace with this fact and feel assured that things will work out. However, trite little sayings and motivational catch-phrases don't exactly sell the idea~!
Yet, I work and attempt to remain confident and positive.
But...this city seems determined to undermine that. I find that it is cold and cruel. No matter where I go or what I try to do... the negativity and absolute lack of compassion press upon me. My neighbors fight--I mean, full on screaming matches and rumored black eyes. I try to get out and find little spots to escape: coffee shops, wine bars, work, bars, art galleries... I inevitably find the true face of the city. It is ugly and it is mean. Even as I write this, a man sits at the table behind me yelling and cussing at someone on the phone. He ends the conversation, "Whatever mom!" I can't seem to catch a break. I have lived here for about four months and the best that I can do is a part-time job scooping ice cream. I apply and interview for just about anything that I can. Got a call today about a job that I interviewed for last week. I really felt confident. I mean, I nailed that interview! The message: "Unfortunately..." You get the picture. So, money is still tight. Most nights I sit at home watching a movie with the volume turned up enough to drown out the shouts from next door and the street. I hardly see what few friends I do have in the area. I understand that they are busy-I get that. Don't think me naive or playing the victim.
Bottomline: I really am not sure about where I am heading in life. I am also not sure how I feel about that. I do know that the status quo is not about to cut me any slack.
I love photography. Many of you know this. I will post some of my work someday, but it is nothing incredibly special. I have a decent camera. Not great, but in the right light it produces amazing images. A couple months ago I bought an adapter and a wide-angle lens to use with it. I got a great deal and thought that i would really get some quality shots. However, the lens does not work so well with my camera. It is great for macro (close-up) work, but there are adverse results with grander scenes. Essentially, the color shifts and the edges blur quite a bit. It ruins most pictures, but gives an odd perception of acceleration to others. Its as if you were speeding through the air towards the scene before you. Everything starts to blur together at those speeds...
My October was very much like that. I was working two jobs and kept rather busy. I picked up more shifts at the ice cream shop when some of my co-workers left. The other job was with a costume, wig, and makeup shop for the busy Halloween season. Due to my technical aptitude, they used me significantly more than many of the other seasonal workers. So, for the last week of October I worked five days at the costume shop and four days at the ice cream shop.
Bottom line, my life became a blur. Things moved past at an alarming pace, but there was nothing I could do about it. I remember being tired and stressed at times. Yet, I also remember having fun with co-workers and the mad rush of business. I suppose that month of my life was a sort of spectacle of chaos and pushing myself to utter exhaustion. It was what I had to do. I am still making ends meet and that, my friends, is success.
Yet, that odd blur of a month has made me realize that I must constantly realign myself with my goals and be sure to take those small steps. Life will get moving fast enough if you let it. Yes, my October was fast and busy. Perhaps I do enjoy that environment and it did make me feel as if I was moving forward. Yet, as a reach this point of slow down...I realize that I may have pushed myself harder than most and provided some service, but I did not further myself in my goals. Perhaps I just need to take time and refine those aims.
Take a breath. Slow down. Let the image become clear.
So much has happened since my last post in which I pondered the Dark Road ahead of me. At that time I had ideas, but I really had no clear idea of where I was going. Well, August was quite eventful. Essentially, my life went from the dark back country highway to the express way. Things sped up to a near blur of people and places and then my exit came up quite fast... Manitou Springs.
Yes, I have moved out of my parent's house and I now have a small studio apartment in Manitou Springs, CO. How did this choice come to pass, you ask? Well, here goes the story: As the end of August approached, my younger brother was quite busy getting ready for college --> my Alma Matter! I spent some time helping him out, but I couldn't get over one thought that crept into my mind. Soon, I would be living at home alone. Just me and my parents and jobs are scarce where they live. I got nervous and so checking for positions in areas that I liked and weren't too far away became a daily activity. One day I stumbled upon an opening with the Manitou School district. They needed a computer tech to help out in the labs and some classrooms. I was qualified. I was interested. I got excited and applied. However, the school year was quickly approaching, so I would need a place in Manitou soon if I was going to be available for this position. I spent a weekend apartment hunting and found a great place. I gave a verbal agreement and awaited a call for an interview. Then...well, you know the saying "don't count your chicks before they have hatched"? Yeah... I did not get a call. I had a small panic attack because nothing seemed to be working out. Perhaps I had made a wrong turn? I began to think this again and again... When I voiced my concerns to the leasing agent of the place that I liked, she understood--but could not hold the place for much longer. I had just about resigned myself to failure and making a big U-turn in my life when...the leasing agent mentioned that she had a smaller place available for cheaper rent and it would be easier to move into! Suddenly, things lined up and I was reassured that despite my near speeding out of control, things were right and I should keep following this path.
So...living in Manitou: It has been good so far. I got back a part-time job that I had before in my favorite ice cream shop and still know people there. It is hard work and not great pay, but it is something while I continue my job hunt. Manitou is great fun. Very quirky people and some fun ones live and work in the area. I am slowly getting to know people and have found a great bar that will become my "spot". Kinfolks is a outdoorsy kind of bar were people mingle, kids run around bar stools, and dogs of all breeds are welcome. The micro-brews are diverse and the live music is both frequent and good! My kind of place. Yet, I need income first to meet my bills before I become a regular at any place. So, I am looking for another quick, part-time gig to help with the bills and I am searching for a little higher paying tech support position in the area. I have experience here, I enjoy it, and I am pretty sure that I could get great money doing it! So, that is life now. A little crazy with all the changes in scenery and a little uneasy with the lack of financial security, but always exciting!
Oh, I have also refined another goal for life! -Sommelier- I have been taking simple tasting courses in Manitou and talking with a local wine store owner and level II Sommelier about this. (PS- Swirl Wine Emporium is great!) She pointed me in the direction and gave me a little info about the certification process for sommeliers. It is really amazing! If you are at all interested, check out the details of the Master Sommelier certification. It is an amazing and rather difficult process, but I think that this could be my in for the business. The first level simply requires some extensive studying and then a slightly expensive two-day course and a final multiple choice test. I can do that in my spare time and work towards this while working either a "real" job or a series of part-time gigs. Of course, attaining level II is quite a bit more difficult. Level III requires 5 years experience and approval from the academy. Now, level IV is nearly impossible. Level IV is the Diploma Level and Master Sommelier level. This can only be achieved by invitation from the academy! In fact, to date there are only 171 professionals world-wide who have achieved this honorable specification!! So...I apparently have lofty goals!
This will be a fun focus for my time and will open doors for me even at the First or Second level. Until then, I forge ahead and enjoy plenty of downtime when I am not working or job hunting. Thank goodness I am a movie freak and have assembled quite a collection (at least 150 films!).
So the path continues to be unsure, but I have just reached a small rest stop, passed a group of road signs, and met some people who know something about the way.
Press onward my friends and we will all get where we are going.
I had a strange revelation as I drove home this evening. I had just spent the last couple hours watching the newest Harry Potter film, which was a little disappointing by the way. It seemed to be the type of film that would be favored by those whose hearts are wooed by the Twilight stars. Now, I have not read either series and may never. However, after talking the Half-Blood Prince film over with my younger brother (who is a fan), I got the feeling that the film makers missed the point of the book. Or rather decided that the secondary plots of teenage love and drama would attract larger audiences. Frankly, I grew tired of the awkward exchanges and teenage-lovie-dovie nonsense. I was more interested in the bigger picture, which was...what again? Oh, yes. The powerful forces of evil that had risen again and were attempting to kill all that stood for good. But I guess I am just picky.
Oh, but that is not the point. The Revelation Revelation? Huh- that is only a little arrogant, isn't it? Is it really so profound as to merit that title. Or is it merely due to the fact that it is mine. Well, let's call it a thought. Maybe even an enlightened thought? As I drove home down that dark highway, it occurred to me that I had no way of truly knowing what lay ahead. I mean, I had driven that road before. Many times actually. Yet, darkness has this way of making the familiar become very unfamiliar. Also, there were the road signs that kept me informed about what the road had in store and roughly when I would encounter it. Yet, there would be stretches of road where no sign would direct me for some time. The only constant while on this road where the lines that I followed. They kept me from straying off to one side or the other. They gave me just enough room to comfortably adjust my movement without losing the road. In all actuality, there was only one thing that I was focused upon. that was the point of road that continuously came into the illuminated view of my headlights. That was all that I could see ahead. Even with my brights on, I was still driving into an unknown darkness that would not be clear until I was nearly upon it. I guess, I find the whole scene to be rather surreal. Now I can hear you: "What are you talking about? You just described driving at night. I was told that there was a revelation coming up!" Calm yourself and be patient. Here is my inspired connection. As I forged ahead into the dark unknown, I thought: "Huh, this is a lot like my life right now." Of course the metaphor should be obvious, but I like to type out my thoughts. I am still moving through life, whether it is quite slow or fast enough that I need to be put in my place. I may not be given clear road signs along the way and I may not see the ones that are there. I am just attempting to keep myself between those lines and on the road. I am alive and I am moving towards something. I don't know what and I surely can't see it. Yet, I am given occasional hints and my vision picks up the path as it is illuminated. So, I can spend time double-checking the map, worrying over the absence of road signs, or even asking for directions. Ultimately, the only thing to do is to continue down the road. There are no short-cuts or easier ways. I must forge ahead into the unknown and take what comes my way. I know that the road leads somewhere, but I do not yet know where. Yet I keep moving. My destination will be reached, though I know not when or for how long. I will strive to enjoy the ride.
Musical Thought that will accompany this Enlightened Thought: Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls played while I drove home. Haven't heard that in a while! Always fun to rediscover something and find that you still like it! I guess it is the chorus that really gets me, no matter its actual meaning.
And I don't want the world to see me Cause I don't think that they'd understand When everything's made to be broken I just want you to know who I am
Hello again my old friends. Or is it just me and the blog at this point. Eh, either way...lets get writing!
Well, I have been processing for quite a while now. My last post exposed the fact that I have been struggling to establish my post-college life. I am a relaxed and fairly laid-back guy and had been working pretty hard to simply enjoy where I was in life. Yet, eventually the monotony of my life got to me (not to mention the unsupportive comments that flew at me from friends and family) and I became disheartened. Disheartened? No. Lets be honest: depressed. I had a break down and really came face-to-face with my shortcomings and the disappointments of the most recent portion of my path. I do appreciate the few comments that I received from close friends. Rest assured, I have improved since then. And plummeted again. And regained hope. And then became unmotivated and hopeless. It seems to be a wild ride on this my emotional roller coaster!
Well, let's recap and bring everyone up to date, shall we?
Since we last left our intrepid hero....
I was working with my father doing energy audits for the state and had hopes for an adventurous summer and possible exciting jobs beyond that. Well, we finally finished our quota of homes to audit...and not a house too soon! Don't get me wrong, I believe in energy efficiency and the position paid very well. Yet, we found out towards the end of our work with this program that about half of the audit we did for each home would have to be re-done by the insulation crew due to stricter federal standards. So...half of our work was really just governmental inefficiency and a general waste of resources. That really helped keep our motivation going when we were auditing some of the most disgusting, unsanitary homes in the state! Seriously, I really worry about some of these people...
April was mostly uneventful. Just doing energy audits, which continued through parts of May and were finished the first week of June. May, however, was terribly busy for myself and my family! First up was my mother's college graduation. For the last three years, my mother has been going back to school and finishing her undergrad degree in accounting. Not only did she graduate this May, but she graduated with honors and as the top accounting student in the university! That was really amazing! She was honored at a special awards ceremony and then walked at graduation. We were so proud! But wait, there's more! That day was actually quite entertaining for all of its eventfulness. We had mom's graduation ceremony in the morning, then a quick reception after, lunch with some good friends, then drove an hour north for prom events. That's right, my brother's senior prom was on the same day! We drove an hour because his date lived that far away: they did pictures up there and then loaded up for prom an hour away. However, I did not ride back towards home with my family. They left me in town to meet up with some friends. Just me and a small satchel of necessities for the night and the next day. I looked quite comical as I waited for my good friend to pick me up at a gas station! Kind of a road-wanderer. So, I had a fun time with some friends and then my father picked me up and we went to a Green Conference in Denver. Very cool, actually. Good food, awesome products, and creative ideas.
That was the first weekend...
The rest of the month was also eventful! My father had his 60th birthday (oh dear!) and that was good fun! Also, my brother graduated from high school. He did very well at the little high school here and played an amazing drum solo with the jazz band at graduation. We were impressed! So another celebration! He will be attending CC in the fall, my alma matter!! Exciting! Speaking of CC, I went to graduation in May. Oh dear! It really hit me hard when the class of 2009 walked across the stage and then threw their caps in the air. I am no longer a "recent" grad. It was odd to realize that it had been a full year since I had finished school. The memories seemed so fresh, yet fading so quickly. I had fun at graduation with some other ex-recent grads, but I will admit that overall...it was too hard and too real. Alas, time keeps moving forward and no amount of longing for the past will reverse the natural order of life. Rough lesson to learn, and yet I feel like I have been taught it repeatedly.
June was a nice slow down for me. Relatively... I guess I really just got a chance to focus on my decisions about my future. What decisions? Oh that's right! You wouldn't know yet because I haven't been posting very regularly....yeah... --drum-roll-- Americorps finally came through and offered me a placement. A full year after I had applied. A year full of filing all sorts of paper work, spending hours on hold with the program's center, being amazingly patient, and attempting to do everything and anything to get a clear read on the situation and my standing within the program! Yes, after all that...they offered me a placement. July 18th in Vicksburg, Mississippi. Problems: Mississippi in the summer for a Colorado native, Vicksburg being a brand new campus (in staff, not facilities), and my complete lack of motivation for this program. Yeah...I just couldn't see myself doing this. Besides, when the fateful letter came I had just decided to move on and make other plans. So, I passed. Whoever got my slot-- you're welcome.
Oh, what were those plans you ask? In the last post I had mentioned wanting to work in a National Park for the summer and then look into wine positions in wine country. Don't remember? No matter...I did. Take my word for it. Well, the National Park positions were harder to find than I imagined and most filled up quickly. As for the wine thing...well, I am currently working quite hard to make this come true! Several of the wineries/vineyards in the US post "harvest internships" on various employment websites. I have been firing off cover letters and resumes like crazy. Current status: Applied to 21 and heard back from 5. No job yet. Oy! The hardest part has been getting my foot in the door. I know I lack experience, but I make up for it with energy, a strong work ethic, and a huge willingness to learn. I just need a chance. I love wine and want to learn all about it. I want to become a skilled artisan in this craft. It is so amazing to be able to nurture the vine, collect the fruit, and then carefully create something that is so amazingly complex and harmonious. A thing of beauty. I want to create something beautiful.
This post has become rather lengthy. I will update more on my job search and the state of my mental and emotional well-being later. As it is, wish me luck!
"I can tell. You are processing things right now."
This was the response that I received from a very good friend when I finally opened up to someone about all the things that have been plaguing my thoughts recently. It was obvious to those who read my last post (Some Days...) that I have been struggling with life. Rest assured that things have been looking up from that February 15th post.
For one thing, March happened. Yes, that's right. An entire month of the year just happened.
It was actually a great month! Our funding for LEAP Energy Audits was restored and we were back at it. I spent about two weeks working and then took a Spring Break trip with two great friends. We road-tripped down to Tuscan, AZ for a 10 day vacation of hiking, eating, drinking, pool lounging, and general relaxation. Somewhere amongst the green beer and green chile, the 25 miles of hiking, and hills covered in saguaros -- I had a bit of an emotional and existential breakdown. Luckily, I had two of the most amazing people in the world there with me. Once I stopped brooding and holding it all in, they were there to offer their perspective on life. They were real and honest with me and did not shy away from taking on the heavy stuff. By no means did we solve all of life's little (and not-so-little) issues. However, we made progress and had great discussions. Let's just say that we made about as much progress as you can in an Irish Pub with a couple beers! Once I returned, it was right back to work for a few days and then another road trip. This time with my family down to Sante Fe to immerse ourselves in the art scene. We all loved it! I really enjoyed the work of Todd White -- great stuff! This trip was actually a part of my birthday present. That's right, March is the glorious month that contains my birthday! Once we returned from Sante Fe, I jetted up to the Springs for a little b-day shindig: good friends and wine! So, March was fun and interesting.
Alright, good catch up blurb. Since that rather full month, April has been a little slower. I am still "processing" many things and coming to terms with this. I reliaze now that my breakdown that occured during and after the Tuscan trip was really a result of two factors. First, the building frustration in my life. Things haven't gone how I planned and living at home is getting to me. I really have it pretty nice up here, but I crave more. In the absence of exciting goals, I have dwelled upon my life and begun to question many things: religion, passions, goals, success, meaning.... It just spirals on from there. The second factor? A careless comment by a close friend: "It's been nearly a year since you graduated and look where you are. Are you really happy?" Very few things in life are as crushing as when a best friend calls you out as a failure. That was the spark that lit the short fuse on my breakdown. I just hope that those that were caught in the blast will forgive me...
Yet, there is light. I have realized that it is okay to be processing. I think that we all do it occasionally. Besides, that is the kind of man that I want to be: a peaceful soul that is constantly questioning and searching. "Not all who wander are lost." I want to have this adventurous and curious attitude all my life. That is the human experience. We change our personal definitions and ideals based upon the new information that we take in each day. This process of adjusting and growing is quickened by our interactions with each other. So, I am still pondering the big idea and looking for new experiences.
Also, with all this pondering, I have set my sights on a new goal for my future. The Americorps program that I applied for has been putting me on hold since last summer. There is still a chance that they would place me this summer, yet I have lost much of my motivation and enthusiasm for this program. If an offer does come through, I will most likely decline. Instead, I hope to spend this summer working in a National Park outside Colorado. After that, there are some Harvest Internships in the western wine country that look pretty enticing!
So, I am processing and constantly re-evaluating my perceptions of both the world around and myself. Some days it is depressing and others it is very encouraging. Overall, the process hurts. Growing pains, I suppose.
Recently it seems that the days are characterized by extremes. Yesterday was an incredible day, full of joy and love from great people. Today was rather crushing and disheartening. They seem to do that. Back and forth. No real middle ground. Maybe this is normal? Maybe everyone has this and you just play the odds, hoping that the good days outnumber the bad ones? I hope not. I don't have the energy to keep doing this. If it is playing the odds, then I am due for a big pay off because I have been losing for so long. I have enormous wealth in rough and troubling days.
Just keep moving I suppose. Moving? Hmm...not really. I think the problem is that I am merely surviving and not living. Not making plans, laying ground work, not making goals and taking aim at them. It is easy to say what I must do. The motivational speeches come in huge numbers from my friends, family, and myself on a good day. Yet...breaking this cycle of bad day building upon bad day is not easy. I still go days without seeing another human being outside my family. Some days I don't leave the house.
I get frustrated by my situation. Then I am frustrated at my frustration. Then I am angry to be so frustrated. Even angrier when my bad mood is unleashed in unintended and unpredictable ways on those that I love. A vicious cycle.
My thoughts on this subject right now are too lengthy and dark for a blog posting. Often my thoughts get away from me and only worsen the situation. The only solution at that point is to cease the train wreck of thoughts and allow my mind and spirit to recover from the self-assault. As is often the case, I use music to clear my head and kill off the train of self-destructive thoughts.
Today was Some Days Are Better Than Others by U2. Seems to fit my feelings today, at least partially.
Some days are dry, some days are leaky Some days come clean, other days are sneaky Some days take less, but most days take more Some slip through your fingers and onto the floor Some days you're quick, but most days you're speedy Some days you use more force than is necessary Some days just drop in on us Some days are better than others
Some days it all adds up And what you got is not enough Some days are better than others
Some days are slippy, other days sloppy Some days you can't stand the sight of a puppy Your skin is white but you think you're a brother Some days are better than others
Some days you wake up with her complaining Some sunny days you wish it was raining Some days are sulky, some days have a grin And some days have bouncers and won't let you in
Some days you hear a voice Taking you to another place Some days are better than others
Some days are honest, some days are not Some days you're thankful for what you've got Some days you wake up in the army And some days it's the enemy
Some days are work, most days you're lazy Some days you feel like a bit of a baby Lookin' for Jesus and His mother Some days are better than others
Some days you feel ahead You're making sense of what she said Some days are better than others
Some days you hear a voice Taking you to another place
Today is one more mark in the "bad days" column. I close my eyes. Take a deep breath. I am playing the odds and hoping to win soon. Wish me luck.
Ugh... That is my usual response to this holiday. I am not quite sure why. V-Day is one of the few holidays that has a very amazing and necessary value at its center -- Love. Yet, I guess the holiday's meaning has changed for me over the years.
When I was young, it was all about the parties that we had in class and the Valentine Boxes. Remember that? You would grab a shoe box and cover it with paper, color, and hearts - all for the sole purpose of collecting those special notes. Of course with an art teacher as a father, my boxes were always quite elaborate. My favorite was the dinosaur! Big tall and narrow box that we added short feet to, a long neck with a mouth and all, and covered in scales that were all shades of green! It was great!
As I got older, V-Day was about getting flowers, balloons, or candy brought into one of your classes and triumphantly placed upon your desk. Tokens of love, sure. Really they were unmistakable symbols that you were special and had merited the recognition via candy or flower. It put everyone on notice - sort of status symbols.Then, eventually it was all about having a boyfriend/girlfriend with which to spend the special day. You were encouraged to shower gifts on your special someone and spend plenty of time with them.
To date I have only had two V-Days in my life where I was dating someone and was able to spend that special day with them. And, to be honest, it isn't all that amazing. I suppose I had high expectations both times. Yet, I am sure that I will someday have a splendid V-Day with someone very special! Someday...down the road.
Yes, the day's meaning has changed over the years for me. However, I believe the cause of my current "ugh" reaction has more to do with society's perception of V-Day. This holiday has been so overly commercialized and marketed towards couples. So much so that you really can't win either way. If you are in a relationship, then there is pressure to make the day special and really do all that you can. And if you're not, then it is just an annoying reminder of your lonely situation. So, I have spent two V-Days with someone and the other 20 on my own (yes, i realize that I am counting all the ones as a child. my blog, my rules.). I guess I have become jaded in a way. I just see the day as a very blatant "Hey, you're single!" yelled in my face by the calendar.
Yet, it shouldn't! If the focus of the day were less on the showering of gifts and acknowledgment of being in a romantic relationship, then we could recognize the true value at the center. L-O-V-E That is the important thing. I know it sounds sappy, but love is missing in far too much of society. So, I say re-center love on this V-Day and recognize that it is a day to appreciate all those who are important in your life -- not just that one who got you the really big heart full of chocolates.
Although, if anyone gets me one of those...I will love you more.
Now to commemorate this day of celebration of love, I give you my top three love songs. In my opinion, these are some of the greatest love songs. I will definitely be listening to these for years! (song names are links)
Up until about three weeks ago I had been doing Energy Audits for low-income families on energy assistance (see previous posts). We did our simple tasks and helped out people with tips and services. We also got to know them. Often their living conditions were just enough to get by or their failing health was very apparent. Yet, most people didn't try to hide these parts of their lives. They were open and real with us. It was an offering of trust. So, we often shared our lives with them as well. I can't tell you how often i uttered this phrase:
Well, I just graduated from college in May and now I am actually just waiting to hear back from Americorps while I do this. I hope to spend a year doing some National Service work and then go from there.
Of course, then I would answer follow up questions and so on. I was surprised to hear awfully encouraging words from so many of these people. In such little time with each other, many people were offering very hopeful words regarding my future! One woman even went so far as to say that she "knew" that I would go on to great things! I have to say, this was very helpful in getting me through the long waiting period. Kept me optimistically looking forward. Very refreshing human connections.
However... Remember that "about three weeks ago" I mentioned? Go ahead and look. I will wait for you to catch up...
Good? Okay, so about three weeks ago we found out that the funding for those energy audits was not officially guaranteed. We were ordered to stop. So, I have been out of work for a while now. This hasn't helped my patience. So, my days are rather uneventful. I sleep in most days and wake up to very little to do. I help around the house, chop wood, sort my music, and hike or cross country ski depending on the weather. There are often long stretches of time when I don't see another human being who is not a member of my immediate family. It is all a little surreal. Also, a little depressing. So, I have been doing some research and looking into moving out. I think that I will stay in Colorado until I am a little more financially stable. So, maybe Boulder or Durango? They are currently on the list for potential new homes. Hopefully a friend of mine and I will find a place and jobs in either of these places. We shall see.
Bottomline: I need to move out and move on. I realize that it is perfectly acceptable for a recent college grad to live at home for a time. Especially during these rough economic times. But, I am realizing that I am quite ready to do this. I guess I am wanting to hold myself to my own standards. I didn't finish my senior year at CC in the grandest of styles and ended up letting myself down in many areas. So, now I long to prove to myself that I can make goals and take steps towards them.
That is what this is about. My goals. They may not be clear right now. They will be. It will take time and focus for me to really identify what I wish to shoot for. To find my passions. As I write this, I am sitting in a room that is full of my life. Pictures from all the years of my life. Books from college. High school trophies. Cherished items from childhood (my first teddy bear eyes me from the dresser!). It is wonderful to reminisce, but I also feel trapped. the artifacts of my past form a prison whose walls are tall and thick. They block any view I might have of my future. Even though my future is murky and unknown, I would be able to illuminate it slightly with my goals and ambition. As it is...I struggle to live within my confines and find that elusive hole. Sure, I am surviving and I know that it could be a lot worse. But I am not living. I wish to really live life! To go out there with the people and take on the world. I wish to dream and think big, yet act locally and personally. That is all that we have as humans. Participating in life. Engaging one another and refusing to let anyone continue through life without experiencing pure joy and rising to meet challenges. There are days when my mind runs rampant with ideas and amazing, unrefined thoughts. But those days are far too few.
I think it is time now... No one is going to hand this to me. I need to make this my own and actually trace my own path.
To ease the constant feeling of isolation from living in a very small mountain town, i have been making frequent trips to visit friends who are still in Colorado. As I began to take to the road for a recent trip, I found myself rifling through my collection of CDs (remember those?!) in desperate need of some fresh sounds. I stumbled upon a mix CD that I made while in high school. I thought hard to try to remember what was on it. I drew a blank. I smiled. I threw it in! Nice trip down memory lane! Perfect pick for the trip. One of the songs happened to be one of my favorites to sing along with. It is very laid back and fits my vocal range perfectly! Just a fun song to sing! Red Hot Chili Pepper's Melancholy Mechanics (click the name for song). Great driving song!
persistent mystic faults my vision its like always this point of collision
its raining in my cranium my head feels like a stadium
3 pound of love about to burst inside my 3 pound universe
its raining in my cranium my head feels like a stadium
these are the melancholy mechanics of my mind
symbols I've been given to express my goal always come up short you know they just don't get that low
its raining in my cranium my head feels like a stadium
these are the melancholy mechanics of my mind
Quick release chemicals strike with incomprehensible precision Biorganic electronics targeting microscopic destinations of devastation cleaner than light meaner than a laser fight in the night 2000 billions of micro maniacs unknown to most as the uncontrollable soldiers of suffering succotash instantaneous infiltration leaves me with a case of bustation, frustration, alone in the constellation of alienation detached from empty conversation I wait I wait for the waaaaaave to break.
That last bit is spoken in a very quick rhythm. Really fits those days when I feel relaxed, yet also very productive and creative. My mind may be racing with thoughts and ideas, but I find myself very relaxed and do not feel the need to actually present these thoughts in any physical way. No need to write or create or even make them verbal. I am content in knowing that I had the thought and that it is still stored away in mind for another day. So, at the end of the day...I may not have much to show for this laid back brainstorm. That is okay. Perhaps these thoughts need refinement before they are to be harvested. The day is not exciting. It is not depressing. It is...melancholy.
I love this song. Its quirky and relaxed beat fits my mood well. I picture myself with a cup of tea or a nice glass of wine just sitting back in a comfy chair in a small coffee house. Warm lights. People talking. The band playing in the corner. Me - smiling at myself as another crazy thought begins to develop. Maybe this one will get written down. Maybe...
Ah, how true that phrase can be! I went back to Limon today. This is where I lived for 8th - 12th grades. The last time I was there was a little over a year ago...and that was for a dear friend's funeral. Needless to say, I was a little apprehensive. I had decided that it would do me good to revisit this town as I navigated this transitional time of my life. I tagged along with my father and the high school speech team that he is coaching. Unfortunately, this meant leaving at about 4:30am to get there in time. I slept. I slept the whole way. When I very drowsily awoke from my rather deep nap, we were there. The trip seemed almost instantaneous. As I rubbed the sleepy blur from my eyes, I began to recognize the all too familiar streets and sights of this town.
There is where I stalled my first manual transmission so many times that my friend had to take over. That is where I got my hair cut and sat chatting with some good friends. I used to date a girl who lived there. I marched up that street in a band uniform with a trombone held high. I spent hours in that small movie theater. I got my first speeding ticket there. I worked in that cemetery for five summers ...and laid a friend to rest there.
It was all a little overwhelming and strangely familiar. Especially walking through those double doors. I knew these halls and that smell. This collection of lockers, classrooms, and offices was my home for years. Yet as I thought back on those days and reminisced, I began to feel uncomfortable. As if I did not belong there. I spent the day immersed in the speech and debate world that I had bid farewell to years ago. The familiar faces rushed at me so quickly that often the names did not follow. The day was mostly awkward encounters of pleasantries and quick updates on life. It is rough enough to be unsure of my own future, but having to explain this fact to everyone I reunited with was too much. Of course, there were some people that I was overjoyed to see again. Some of my favorite teachers ever. The ones that really deserve the credit for getting me where I am today. The people that I ended up forming strong bonds with...better than most of my classmates. It warmed my heart to see them and share with them my success in academia. My old pastors as well. They never stopped keeping in touch with me: little notes, phone calls, quick lunches. They were a big part of my life in Limon and have a continued interest and compassion for my life. I do love them. There were the mildly awkward interactions and the joyfully, heartwarming interactions. Also, there were some eye-opening encounters. Example: A great friend. A mentor. A man that I shared many thoughts with about God and the church. This man...had little to say to me. He seemed less alive. Less bright and did not have that joyful and inquisitive spirit within him. Another: Fellow members of the church that I attended long ago. People who had told me once before that they saw me in seminary school and wanted me to come right back there and preach for them. They still believe this. The fact that I have graduated with no immediate career planned out only encourages this strong belief. Others, whom I had once been at least somewhat close with, would not even recognize me.
Before we left that day, I wandered the halls after they had been emptied of the speech and debate activity. I moved slowly through the empty passageways, running my hand along the smooth walls. I found my old locker from senior year. I walked to some of my favorite classrooms...half those teachers had retired and moved on. I made sure to make the long trek down the narrow hallway towards my favorite room. I remembered this hallway the best. Smooth white cement bricks on one side. Rough red bricks on the other. Two English classrooms on the right, the band room on the left, and a outside door at the end towards the right. Straight down this narrow passage of my past was the art room. I spent hours in this room. A class every year and countless hours after school. Working on projects. Exploring my imagination. And spending time with one of my closest friends. Mr. Frank, my art teacher. I remember so many fun times and countless meaningful conversations. He was real. He shared his joys and frustrations. He challenged me and encouraged me. I stood for a moment in that messy, dimly lit room. The smell of paint and rubber cement was heavy in the air. The airbrushes...the glass etching sand...the large set of drawers that once held my work. For a moment, I wished to return to those warm and joyful times in this very room. Only for a moment. I quickly realized that I had once had a conversation in this room about my eagerness for the future. I was so excited to get out. Venture beyond these walls and this town. Mr. Frank had been sharing my excitement and reassuring me that I could do anything I wanted. But, he told me to make sure that I enjoyed what I did. He said that was the most important thing. It was a moment of quick realization that I had out-grown this place. There was a bigger world out there that I had only begun to explore. I had other needs to meet, other friendships to make, and other places to go. All I could take from here were some warm memories, some life lessons, and a handful of true friendships. I sighed. Took one last look around that room and then left. Made my way back through the halls. Past the classrooms where I had learned so much. Past the ghosts of my life...friends and memories. As I made my way to those double doors again, I could even hear familiar voices echoing in the hallways. Echos of my past...of what shaped the person I am.
I returned from this trip feeling neither satisfied or unsatisfied. It was necessary, I believe, to reassure me that I did have a past. However, it was just that...my past.
My future is now my main concern. I no longer feel that emptiness of having left Limon too soon. I realize that I took what I needed and should move on. Perhaps this thought has given me some necessary peace of mind. Another step towards clarifying my thoughts and drawing a better picture of what my goals are. Now, just focus a little more...
