Up until about three weeks ago I had been doing Energy Audits for low-income families on energy assistance (see previous posts). We did our simple tasks and helped out people with tips and services. We also got to know them. Often their living conditions were just enough to get by or their failing health was very apparent. Yet, most people didn't try to hide these parts of their lives. They were open and real with us. It was an offering of trust. So, we often shared our lives with them as well. I can't tell you how often i uttered this phrase:
Well, I just graduated from college in May and now I am actually just waiting to hear back from Americorps while I do this. I hope to spend a year doing some National Service work and then go from there.
Of course, then I would answer follow up questions and so on. I was surprised to hear awfully encouraging words from so many of these people. In such little time with each other, many people were offering very hopeful words regarding my future! One woman even went so far as to say that she "knew" that I would go on to great things! I have to say, this was very helpful in getting me through the long waiting period. Kept me optimistically looking forward.
Very refreshing human connections.
However...
Remember that "about three weeks ago" I mentioned? Go ahead and look. I will wait for you to catch up...
Good? Okay, so about three weeks ago we found out that the funding for those energy audits was not officially guaranteed. We were ordered to stop. So, I have been out of work for a while now. This hasn't helped my patience. So, my days are rather uneventful. I sleep in most days and wake up to very little to do. I help around the house, chop wood, sort my music, and hike or cross country ski depending on the weather. There are often long stretches of time when I don't see another human being who is not a member of my immediate family.
It is all a little surreal.
Also, a little depressing.
So, I have been doing some research and looking into moving out. I think that I will stay in Colorado until I am a little more financially stable. So, maybe Boulder or Durango? They are currently on the list for potential new homes. Hopefully a friend of mine and I will find a place and jobs in either of these places. We shall see.
Bottomline:
I need to move out and move on. I realize that it is perfectly acceptable for a recent college grad to live at home for a time. Especially during these rough economic times. But, I am realizing that I am quite ready to do this. I guess I am wanting to hold myself to my own standards. I didn't finish my senior year at CC in the grandest of styles and ended up letting myself down in many areas. So, now I long to prove to myself that I can make goals and take steps towards them.
That is what this is about. My goals. They may not be clear right now. They will be. It will take time and focus for me to really identify what I wish to shoot for. To find my passions. As I write this, I am sitting in a room that is full of my life. Pictures from all the years of my life. Books from college. High school trophies. Cherished items from childhood (my first teddy bear eyes me from the dresser!). It is wonderful to reminisce, but I also feel trapped. the artifacts of my past form a prison whose walls are tall and thick. They block any view I might have of my future. Even though my future is murky and unknown, I would be able to illuminate it slightly with my goals and ambition. As it is...I struggle to live within my confines and find that elusive hole. Sure, I am surviving and I know that it could be a lot worse. But I am not living. I wish to really live life! To go out there with the people and take on the world. I wish to dream and think big, yet act locally and personally. That is all that we have as humans.
Participating in life.
Engaging one another and refusing to let anyone continue through life without experiencing pure joy and rising to meet challenges. There are days when my mind runs rampant with ideas and amazing, unrefined thoughts. But those days are far too few.
I think it is time now...
No one is going to hand this to me.
I need to make this my own and actually trace my own path.
It is time.
To ease the constant feeling of isolation from living in a very small mountain town, i have been making frequent trips to visit friends who are still in Colorado. As I began to take to the road for a recent trip, I found myself rifling through my collection of CDs (remember those?!) in desperate need of some fresh sounds. I stumbled upon a mix CD that I made while in high school. I thought hard to try to remember what was on it.
I drew a blank. I smiled. I threw it in!
Nice trip down memory lane! Perfect pick for the trip. One of the songs happened to be one of my favorites to sing along with. It is very laid back and fits my vocal range perfectly! Just a fun song to sing! Red Hot Chili Pepper's Melancholy Mechanics (click the name for song). Great driving song!
persistent mystic faults my vision
its like always this point of collision
its raining in my cranium
my head feels like a stadium
3 pound of love
about to burst
inside my 3 pound
universe
its raining in my cranium
my head feels like a stadium
these are the melancholy mechanics of my mind
symbols I've been given to express my goal
always come up short
you know they just don't get that low
its raining in my cranium
my head feels like a stadium
these are the melancholy mechanics of my mind
Quick release chemicals strike with incomprehensible precision
Biorganic electronics targeting microscopic destinations of devastation
cleaner than light
meaner than a laser fight in the night 2000
billions of micro maniacs unknown to most as the uncontrollable soldiers
of suffering succotash
instantaneous infiltration leaves me with a case of bustation, frustration,
alone in the constellation of alienation detached from empty conversation
I wait
I wait
for the waaaaaave to break.
That last bit is spoken in a very quick rhythm. Really fits those days when I feel relaxed, yet also very productive and creative. My mind may be racing with thoughts and ideas, but I find myself very relaxed and do not feel the need to actually present these thoughts in any physical way. No need to write or create or even make them verbal. I am content in knowing that I had the thought and that it is still stored away in mind for another day. So, at the end of the day...I may not have much to show for this laid back brainstorm. That is okay. Perhaps these thoughts need refinement before they are to be harvested.
The day is not exciting. It is not depressing.
It is...melancholy.
I love this song. Its quirky and relaxed beat fits my mood well. I picture myself with a cup of tea or a nice glass of wine just sitting back in a comfy chair in a small coffee house. Warm lights. People talking. The band playing in the corner. Me - smiling at myself as another crazy thought begins to develop. Maybe this one will get written down. Maybe...
Let's just see how it ripens.
Ah, how true that phrase can be!
I went back to Limon today. This is where I lived for 8th - 12th grades. The last time I was there was a little over a year ago...and that was for a dear friend's funeral. Needless to say, I was a little apprehensive. I had decided that it would do me good to revisit this town as I navigated this transitional time of my life.
I tagged along with my father and the high school speech team that he is coaching. Unfortunately, this meant leaving at about 4:30am to get there in time. I slept. I slept the whole way. When I very drowsily awoke from my rather deep nap, we were there. The trip seemed almost instantaneous. As I rubbed the sleepy blur from my eyes, I began to recognize the all too familiar streets and sights of this town.
There is where I stalled my first manual transmission so many times that my friend had to take over. That is where I got my hair cut and sat chatting with some good friends. I used to date a girl who lived there. I marched up that street in a band uniform with a trombone held high. I spent hours in that small movie theater. I got my first speeding ticket there. I worked in that cemetery for five summers ...and laid a friend to rest there.
It was all a little overwhelming and strangely familiar. Especially walking through those double doors. I knew these halls and that smell. This collection of lockers, classrooms, and offices was my home for years. Yet as I thought back on those days and reminisced, I began to feel uncomfortable. As if I did not belong there.
I spent the day immersed in the speech and debate world that I had bid farewell to years ago. The familiar faces rushed at me so quickly that often the names did not follow. The day was mostly awkward encounters of pleasantries and quick updates on life. It is rough enough to be unsure of my own future, but having to explain this fact to everyone I reunited with was too much.
Of course, there were some people that I was overjoyed to see again. Some of my favorite teachers ever. The ones that really deserve the credit for getting me where I am today. The people that I ended up forming strong bonds with...better than most of my classmates. It warmed my heart to see them and share with them my success in academia. My old pastors as well. They never stopped keeping in touch with me: little notes, phone calls, quick lunches. They were a big part of my life in Limon and have a continued interest and compassion for my life. I do love them.
There were the mildly awkward interactions and the joyfully, heartwarming interactions. Also, there were some eye-opening encounters. Example: A great friend. A mentor. A man that I shared many thoughts with about God and the church. This man...had little to say to me. He seemed less alive. Less bright and did not have that joyful and inquisitive spirit within him. Another: Fellow members of the church that I attended long ago. People who had told me once before that they saw me in seminary school and wanted me to come right back there and preach for them. They still believe this. The fact that I have graduated with no immediate career planned out only encourages this strong belief. Others, whom I had once been at least somewhat close with, would not even recognize me.
Before we left that day, I wandered the halls after they had been emptied of the speech and debate activity. I moved slowly through the empty passageways, running my hand along the smooth walls. I found my old locker from senior year. I walked to some of my favorite classrooms...half those teachers had retired and moved on. I made sure to make the long trek down the narrow hallway towards my favorite room. I remembered this hallway the best. Smooth white cement bricks on one side. Rough red bricks on the other. Two English classrooms on the right, the band room on the left, and a outside door at the end towards the right. Straight down this narrow passage of my past was the art room. I spent hours in this room. A class every year and countless hours after school. Working on projects. Exploring my imagination. And spending time with one of my closest friends. Mr. Frank, my art teacher. I remember so many fun times and countless meaningful conversations. He was real. He shared his joys and frustrations. He challenged me and encouraged me. I stood for a moment in that messy, dimly lit room. The smell of paint and rubber cement was heavy in the air. The airbrushes...the glass etching sand...the large set of drawers that once held my work. For a moment, I wished to return to those warm and joyful times in this very room.
Only for a moment.
I quickly realized that I had once had a conversation in this room about my eagerness for the future. I was so excited to get out. Venture beyond these walls and this town. Mr. Frank had been sharing my excitement and reassuring me that I could do anything I wanted. But, he told me to make sure that I enjoyed what I did. He said that was the most important thing. It was a moment of quick realization that I had out-grown this place. There was a bigger world out there that I had only begun to explore. I had other needs to meet, other friendships to make, and other places to go. All I could take from here were some warm memories, some life lessons, and a handful of true friendships.
I sighed. Took one last look around that room and then left. Made my way back through the halls. Past the classrooms where I had learned so much. Past the ghosts of my life...friends and memories. As I made my way to those double doors again, I could even hear familiar voices echoing in the hallways. Echos of my past...of what shaped the person I am.
I returned from this trip feeling neither satisfied or unsatisfied. It was necessary, I believe, to reassure me that I did have a past. However, it was just that...my past.
My future is now my main concern. I no longer feel that emptiness of having left Limon too soon. I realize that I took what I needed and should move on. Perhaps this thought has given me some necessary peace of mind. Another step towards clarifying my thoughts and drawing a better picture of what my goals are.
Now, just focus a little more...
Two nights ago, my family had our first Chinese food of 2009 and therefore our first fortune cookies of 2009. I guess we all felt that these should start our year off and give us a hint at what was to come. Just sort of a fun thought. However, fortune cookies never cease to surprise and amuse! Here are the four fortunes that we got in our cookies:
"The surest path to success is to envision that you cannot fail."
Ah, a gem of wisdom.
"The skills you have gathered will one day come in handy."
Nice last thought to end 2008.
"Set high goals."
Short and sweet.
Ooh, here is the clincher!
"About time I got out of that cookie."
:-P
Anyone who has lived with me for even a short amount of time will know that my soul depends on music. I have a huge library and crave incorporating music into my life. Most people's moods are reflections of the music they are listening to. My music is a reflection of my mood. If I am laden with sadness - Goerge Winston's Longing, Loving will do nicely. If I am bursting with joy - a little U2's Elevation makes it even better. I use music to help me fully commit to my emotions and moods. Rhythms, melodies, lyrics...I love music and what can be expressed with it!
Music has been extremely important recently. With so much in my life changing, and me not having a great reaction to change (see previous post), music is able to keep me grounded...when I wish. It is comforting and encouraging.
Jem's Just A Ride has been a recent play list visitor of mine. I realized that the lyrics really fit my attitude right now towards the unsureness of my life. Also, these melodic words will go with me into the new year. Perhaps many of us could use these thoughts?
Life, it's ever so strange
It's so full of change
Think that you've worked it out
then BANG
Right out of the blue
Something happens to you
To throw you off course
and then you
Breakdown
Yeah you breakdown
Well don't you breakdown
Listen to me
Because
It's just a ride, it's just a ride
no need to run, no need to hide
It'll take you round and round
Sometimes you're up
sometimes you're down
It's just a ride, it's just a ride
don't be scared
don't hide your eyes
It may feel so real inside
but don't forget it's just a ride
Truth, we don't wanna hear
It's too much to take
Don't like to feel out of control
So we make our plans
Ten times a day
And when they don't go
our way we
Breakdown
Yeah we breakdown
Well don't you breakdown
Listen to me
Because
It's just a ride, it's just a ride
no need to run, no need to hide
It'll take you round and round
Sometimes you're up
sometimes you're down
It's just a ride, it's just a ride
don't be scared
don't hide your eyes
It may feel so real inside
but don't forget it's just a ride
Slowly, oh so very slowly
accept that
there's no getting off
So live it, just gotta go with it
coz this ride's, never gonna stop
Breakdown
Don't you breakdown
No need to breakdown
No need at all
Because
It's just a ride, it's just a ride
no need to run, no need to hide
It'll take you all around
Sometimes you're up
sometimes you're down
It's just a ride, it's just a ride
don't be scared now
dry your eyes
It may feel so real inside
but dont forget enjoy the ride.
It's just a ride, it's just a ride
no need to run, no need to hide
It'll take you all around
Sometimes you're up
sometimes you're down
It's just a ride, it's just a ride
don't be scared now
dry your eyes
It may feel so real inside
but dont forget enjoy the ride.
Too often this has put my emotions into perfect lyrical form. Just when you have your life pinned down and planned...things change! I have lived this first hand and constantly feel its effects. We plan carefully and we think thoroughly, yet we are simply attempting to nail jello to a tree.
As 2008 draws to a close, I am sure that we all had plans that did not pan out. Do not sulk and morn over the deceased blueprint for your life. Realize that life happened how it wanted to happen.
Happy New Year. Here's to 2009!
-Enjoy the Ride-
I seem to be in a constant and fierce battle with time. Yet, this monumental struggle that often drains me of all energy is hardly noticeable. Of course, time has won again. It seems that not that far ago I was sitting in this very spot imagining the wonderful times that I would have with my two best friends on a much needed vacation. I remember dreaming up the things that we would do and how much fun it would all be. Not to mention the upcoming Holidays that were ever present in my mind.
Not too long ago, I was working and living with the dreams of exciting reunions and relaxing, warm holiday celebrations.
Now...December 29. It has all past by so quickly. The transition from future to past occurred so quickly that present never made my acquaintance. I wish I could say that everything happened just as I envisioned, but nothing ever does. There were wonderful parts of both my trip to Michigan and the Holidays. However, there were also moments that made me regret were I was and made me wish to be somewhere else with all my heart...
Michigan: Gray. The entire time. I am a spoiled child of the state that boasts the most days of sunshine a year. There were good times as well as harsh realities. Bottom line - things change and it is terribly difficult to hold onto the past and expect the continuation of outdated conditions. We must move with the changes and adapt. The trip wasn't the great adventure bursting with joy that I dreamed of, but that is hardly a surprise. I did enjoy getting out a little and feeling that I am still alive.
Holidays: It used to be that I would come home from college to great joy and magic at Christmas time. This year, I am living at home. I had not realized the immense amount of effort it requires to produce a wonderful Holiday experience. I have not the energy for it! In fact, I fear that the true meaning of the Christmas season was lost amongst the business and stress. It was unsettling. Even now I am not sure why I feel this way following Christmas. Cookies, gifts, music, lights, food...it was all there. What seemed to be missing was that loving connection amongst my family. I used to connect with each of them in a very unique and meaningful way. Now, the nagging annoyance of living at home again seems to get in the way. I love my family. Yet, to go from an independent and aspiring college student to a living at home, working part-time young man with no clear future....well, that is a very arduous struggle. It plagues my thoughts daily. Every little Holiday celebration felt forced...or rather, just out of sync.
I suppose that I am just struggling with change. Change in the way I relate to my family. Change in some of my dearest friendships. Change in my perception of the world around me, both seen and unseen. Change in my perception of...myself.
Well, not to end on an unsettling note:
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. This new year's I will be toasting 2008. A year that took me far and did much.
I began 2008 with a funeral. I said goodbye to a true friend and a beautiful spirit. Then I worked hard to finish my degree, ended the most serious relationship I have had thus far, traveled extensively, and latched onto any temporary preoccupation I could to avoid facing the future. I am truly astonished when comparing myself now to myself at this time last year.
I suppose this thought will do for contemplating the occurrences of 2008 and looking towards the potentiality of 2009:
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another. ~Anatole France
Its an interesting phrase: "Gaps in History" What happens during those periods of non-recorded time? My theory is...not much. People lived their lives. I base this theory on the gap in this written record. November 23rd to December 8th - 15 days. And yet, as I think back, things did happen. Wonderful things, mundane things, and even upsetting things. I was content, however, to live them and not write about them.
So, it has been half a month since I updated this blog. Most people apologize to their "readers" and make excuses. Its as if the blog were an obligation that needed to be fulfilled, but could be postponed with sincere sorrow.
Well, you shall get no such apology from me. Nope. So I didn't write. Its not as if this ruined somebody's day. Someone who could not have a pleasurable or productive day without hearing what I had been doing! Where is he? Who is he with? When will I get answers!!!
If anybody does fit this description, well....eh..I am flattered, but we need to talk.
Also....I'm sorry. *damn*
However, I would be amiss if I did not comment on the wonderful Thanksgiving holiday that I had! A glorious day to be thankful - small mountain town with my family and two of my closest friends! We feasted on a glorious meal, had amazing fun, played games, and enjoyed good wine while the snow fell lightly outside. The day after was equally enjoyable, if not more! Rather, the two days cannot be separated in my mind. Four of us (my brother and my two close friends) ventured into the "wilderness" and enjoyed a lovely hike. My favorite section found us hiking along in a gentle snowstorm. Not too cold and not too wet. We were happy and enthralled by the beauty of what we hiked through. Good friends sharing this moment. The snow lightly covering everything around us. Seeing the clouds and snow fill the valleys that lay around us. Hearing the snow land lightly on the crisp fallen oak brush leaves that marked the trail on either side. A moment of peace. A few days filled with laughter, amazing food, and moments that demanded your attention in a very welcoming way.
Ahhhhh.....
Since then....working and carrying on with life. I inspect homes with the goal of energy efficiency. I fail at making cold calls to schedule appointments. I look ahead to Christmas and all that "must" be done. I chop wood, cook, eat, and enjoy my family - despite their busy lives.
December 12th will find me driving from Rye to Canon City, then to Colorado Springs and on up to Boulder. December 13th will find me in Denver and then Chicago. It is high time that I go see one of my best friends. So, a short trip to Michigan will be a much needed break from the small town of Rye. Time with two of my best friends -- I can't wait!
So, things happened. I am still unsure about my future and still often get frustrated with my situation. I long to be doing something on my own and making my own way through life. Yet, I am patient.
Lately music has been immensely helpful in calming my frustrations and adding to my patience. The lyrics and melodies keep me light and hopeful.
Perhaps I will share some of those effects with you?
;-)
